IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Training 65-year-olds to use computers would be a good use of government money. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

4.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
The government's finances are of great importance for a
country
Use synonyms
, it must be utilised on fruitful resources. I strongly disagree with
this
Linking Words
 statement that teaching IT skills to senior citizens would be a good use of money. There are many other better options where a ministry can spend and will have favourable consequences.
Body paragraph 1
The state must spend on the education of the Youth. Simultaneously, investing in
students
Use synonyms
 in Universities would be beneficial for the future because they are the people who will be running the
country
Use synonyms
's management system , and they are the future leaders and responsible persons for Public institutions. They are more energetic, Innovative,
mindful
Correct word choice
and mindful
show examples
 , and they must be upskilled.
For example
Linking Words
:
authority
Fix the agreement mistake
authorities
show examples
 teach IT modules, E-Commerce and Leadership courses to young people so that they will bear the weight of the
country
Use synonyms
's system on their shoulders in future. Having said that, spending
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 younger
students
Use synonyms
 would be better for a
country
Use synonyms
's
upcoming days
Check wording
future
show examples
.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
Linking Words
, Politicians can take meaningful steps for the lives of
nation
Correct article usage
the nation
show examples
 ,
such
Linking Words
 as
they can spend
Wrong verb form
spending
show examples
 money on infrastructure, transportation, education and hospitals. As far as these mentioned facilities are basic rights, the government should prioritise the way of living of the huge public of the
country
Use synonyms
 over teaching 65 years old community.
For instance
Linking Words
:
In
Fix capitalization
in
show examples
 Lahore , Pakistan, governement's initiative of the orange line metro train has made commuting easier for the general public , specifically corporate professionals and
students
Use synonyms
, as it offers
cheapest
Correct word choice
the lowest
show examples
 prices and time reduction in travelling. So , investing for
country
Use synonyms
's well-being is mandatory and more important than spending money on outdated bodies.
Conclusion
I would like
to conclude
Linking Words
 by mentioning others' point of view that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 they said that education is
also
Linking Words
 a right of old-age people
like
Punctuation problem
, like
show examples
 65 years old, and they should be upskilled at least for their survival.
However
Linking Words
, I believe that
this
Linking Words
 community
already
Verb problem
is already
show examples
 tired of performing 9AM to 5PM jobs and duties. They have already spent
their
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 crux of
life
Correct determiner usage
their life
show examples
 , now they are more likely to retire within
some
Correct determiner usage
a few
show examples
 years
,
Punctuation problem
.
show examples
That is
Linking Words
 why governemnt must spend on those who have to start their life's journey yet - for sure, they are young
students
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 the government should be insightful for investing in international relations, Healthcare and the economy too.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Your clear view is that you do not agree. Keep this view the same from start to end. Give two main reasons, and make each reason fully clear before you move to the next one.
task response
Your first main point about young people is useful, but it needs more detail. Explain why computer skills for older people may not give as much help as skills for young people.
task response
Your second point is about roads, trains, schools, and hospitals. This is relevant, but it is very wide. Choose one or two needs and explain why they should come first.
task response
Be careful with ideas about older people. Saying they are 'outdated bodies' or too tired to learn is too strong and may not be true. You can say that some older people may need less work training, while basic computer lessons could still help them use health, bank, and public services.
task response
The last paragraph brings in the other side, which is good. However, reply to it more directly. For example, say that help for older people can be low-cost and aimed at daily needs, not full work training.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. This makes it easy to follow. Make the link between each body part and your main view more direct.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words in a steady way: 'First', 'Second', 'For example', and 'In short'. Do not use too many long links in one sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are very long and hold many ideas. Split them into two or three short sentences. This will make your meaning clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. In the second body part, the list of roads, transport, schools, and hospitals is too large. Focus on one clear point, then give your example.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating words like 'future', 'country', and 'government' too often. Use simple other words such as 'the state', 'the public', 'young people', or 'older adults' when the meaning is clear.
task response
You give a clear opinion in the first paragraph and keep the same side through the essay.
task response
The metro train example is specific and helps show how public money can help many people.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear overall shape: introduction, two main points, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as 'Furthermore', 'For example', and 'However' help show links between ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • digital literacy
  • computer skills
  • older citizens
  • senior citizens
  • government funding
  • public money
  • practical training
  • small-group classes
  • step-by-step guidance
  • online banking
  • medical appointments
  • public services
  • video calls
  • social isolation
  • stay connected
  • independent living
  • part-time employment
  • affordable access
  • face-to-face support
  • essential services
What to do next:
Look at other essays: