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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The two pie charts show how different industries used electricity in 1995 and 2005. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

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The two pie charts show how different industries used electricity in 1995 and 2005. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The two pie charts present
a various industries
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 proportions of
electricity
Check wording
various industries ' electricity
show examples
 purposes
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as food, fishery, manufacturing,
household
Use synonyms
, and
service
Use synonyms
 between 1995 and 2005.
Overall
Linking Words
, three regions, including food, fishery, and
manufacturing
Punctuation problem
manufacturing,
show examples
 experienced
notably
Replace the word
a notable
 decrease
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 percentages,
whereas
Linking Words
household
Use synonyms
 and
service
Use synonyms
 recorded
relatively rose
Replace the word
a relative rise
 throughout the years. In dropped regions, they saw a
moderately dive
Check wording
moderate decline
show examples
 around 2-7%
with
Punctuation problem
, with
show examples
 the most alterations located at fishery, specifically at 7% downward.
Beside
Change preposition
Besides
show examples
 the fisheries,
although
Linking Words
 manufacturing got the
most
Correct word choice
largest
show examples
 proportion in 1995 with 33% of electricity, it
also
Linking Words
 relatively dropped to 31% with 2% of difference compared to
previous
Correct article usage
the previous
show examples
 year.
Moreover
Linking Words
, food, which placed second position,
also
Linking Words
 demonstrated a slight downward
with
Check wording
trend with
show examples
 just 3% of percentage.
In contrast
Linking Words
, both
household
Use synonyms
 and
service
Use synonyms
 showed a slight rise at 5% and 7% for
household
Use synonyms
 and
service
Use synonyms
, respectively.
However
Linking Words
, despite
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
these
rising
Replace the word
rises
,
Use synonyms
household
Check wording
households
show examples
 and
service
Use synonyms
 did not able to replace the most
common
Replace the word
commonly
 used
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
electricity in 2005.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words household, service with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "proportions" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "downward" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "slight" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pie charts
  • industries
  • electricity usage
  • 1995
  • 2005
  • comparison
  • increase
  • decrease
  • service sector
  • manufacturing sector
  • residential sector
  • agricultural sector
  • main features
  • summarize
  • reporting
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