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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

some people believe that it is best to accept a bad situation, such as unsatisfactory or shortage of money. some people believe that it is better to try and improve such a situation discuss both these views and give your opinion?

6.5 / 9
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Introduction
Some
people
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 might argue that it is wiser to come to terms with a difficult
situation
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,
such
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 as an unfulfilling
job
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 or a lack of money,
whereas
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 others believe that it is more beneficial to make an effort to change that
situation
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. In my view, accepting difficult situations can help
people
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's mental health, but when the problem is within their
control
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,
people
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 should not give up and hope for the best.
Body paragraph 1
Accepting a bad
situation
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 might bring relief to
people
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 when a
situation
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 is out of their hands. Constantly fighting something that cannot be changed only leads to frustration and stress.
For example
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, an employee may lose their
job
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 because their company closes down. If they accept that it was not their fault, they can move on calmly
instead
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 of blaming themselves.
As a result
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, they protect their mental health and have more energy to look for new opportunities.
Therefore
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, acceptance is the wiser choice when a problem is beyond a person's
control
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.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, giving up on a
situation
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 that
people
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 have
control
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 of is not a wise choice.
This
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 can be seen in teenagers, who do not have enough life experience, so some of them give up on college or looking for a
job
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.
However
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, adults have more experience, so they can find practical ways to improve their circumstances.
For example
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, an employee who feels stuck in a low-paid
job
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 can take an evening course to gain new skills.
As a result
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, they may qualify for a better position with a higher salary.
Therefore
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,
people
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 should take action whenever change is possible.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I believe that acceptance is helpful when a
situation
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 is truly beyond a person's
control
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, as it protects their mental health.
However
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, when
people
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 have the power to improve their
job
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 or finances, they should make the effort rather than simply hoping for the best.

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task response
You answer all parts of the question and give a clear view. To make it even better, add one more clear reason for each side. For example, say how trying to change a bad money situation can also help a family in the long term.
task response
Your main idea is clear: accept what cannot be changed, but act when change is possible. Make the line between these two cases even more clear by saying that people should first ask what they can and cannot control.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, one side, the other side, and ending. Keep this clear order.
coherence and cohesion
Most links between ideas are easy to follow. You use words such as 'For example', 'As a result', and 'Therefore' well. Do not use 'Therefore' at the end of every body part; sometimes use a short final sentence without a link word.
coherence and cohesion
The paragraph about teenagers is a little less direct. The point is about people who can change their life, but teenagers may have less power than adults. Use one clear adult example first, such as a worker who takes a course or looks for a new job.
task response
You discuss both views fairly and state your own view in the opening and ending.
task response
Your examples are clear and fit the topic, especially the worker who takes an evening course to get a better-paid job.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has one main idea, and the ideas move in a clear order.
coherence and cohesion
The ending directly repeats your main view and brings the essay to a clear close.
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