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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that the most effective way for a country to prepare for the future is to allocate resources to the younger generation. To what extent do you agree or disagree?")

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Nowadays, some people think that the excellent way for
nations
Use synonyms
 to prepare for the future is to invest resources in
its
Fix the agreement mistake
their
show examples
 young generation. From my perspective, I strongly disagree with
this
Linking Words
 statement since there are other ways
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as new innovations and making good
relationship
Check wording
relationships
show examples
 with other
countries
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, the primary reason for
this
Linking Words
 view is that new technologies.
This
Linking Words
 is because, in the future
people
Punctuation problem
, people
show examples
 will depend on gadgets or artificial intelligence, which means that the government should invest half of public funds
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 new innovations that would help in the next decades.
In addition
Linking Words
, by putting money
intro
Change preposition
into
show examples
 technologies
country
Use synonyms
guarantee
Correct subject-verb agreement
guarantees
show examples
 that life will
be not
Correct word order
not be
show examples
 boring with gadgets.
As a result
Linking Words
, if the government
would lay out
Wrong verb form
invests
show examples
 money into technologies, a variety of jobs will find new solutions for their issues
especially
Punctuation problem
, especially
show examples
 scientists
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 will work on medicine. A case in point is that Uzbekistan
a
Punctuation problem
, a
show examples
country
Use synonyms
 that invested
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 new innovations that would help to observe space, linked their satellite into space in 2026, which allows to monitor changes in the environment and improve methods of agriculture.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the second reason is making new contacts with other
countries
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 means that other
nations
Use synonyms
 have their own values
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as traditions, culture, and resources
, by
Punctuation problem
. By
show examples
 making contact with
them
Punctuation problem
them,
show examples
it's helping
Wrong verb form
it helps
show examples
 society to observe
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
different cultures.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, it
is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
allows
to
Check wording
countries to
show examples
Use synonyms
country
Check wording
apply
show examples
make trade between their
nations
Use synonyms
 since they have different stuff to
sale
Replace the word
sell
 or buy.
Consequently
Linking Words
, making contact with other
countries
Use synonyms
 benefits both sides because
Use synonyms
country
Add an article
the country
show examples
 will gain new ways of making profit and
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
 will perceive about them with
traditions
Correct determiner usage
their traditions
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, Kazakhstan
a
Punctuation problem
, a
show examples
country
Use synonyms
 that made contact with Uzbekistan, which allowed them to put their network of trains and allowed for their
nations
Use synonyms
 to observe
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Uzbek culture and cuisine, which
lead
Wrong verb form
led
show examples
 to new methods of making plov(
national
Add an article
the national
show examples
 dish of
Uzbek
Check wording
Uzbekistan
show examples
).
Conclusion
In conclusion, I firmly disagree with
this
Linking Words
 statement since a
country
Use synonyms
 can invest money into new
innovation
Check wording
innovations
show examples
 that would help in the future by making life easier and making new
relationship
Check wording
relationships
show examples
 with other
countries
Use synonyms
, which allows
Use synonyms
country
Add an article
the country
show examples
 to make
profit
Add an article
a profit
show examples
 by trading and for society because they can understand
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
different culture with traditions.

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task response
Your view is clear: you disagree. However, explain more why money for young people is less important than the two plans you give. At present, the essay says what new tools and links with other countries can do, but it does not fully compare these plans with help for young people.
task response
Keep each main idea close to the question. For example, say that new tools can help all age groups and can also give young people better work, health care, and school. This will make your answer more direct.
task response
Your examples are useful, but some parts are not clear or may not be needed, such as life being less boring with gadgets and new ways to make plov. Use examples that clearly show how a country is ready for the future.
task response
Develop the point about links with other countries. Explain how trade, shared skills, or help in times of need can make a country safer and stronger in the future.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, two body parts, and ending. Make the first line of each body part a full main point. For example: “First, governments should invest in new technology.”
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. “On the one hand” and “On the other hand” often show two sides of one issue. Since both body parts support your view, use “First” and “Second” instead.
coherence and cohesion
Some long sentences have too many ideas. Break them into two or three short sentences so the reader can follow your meaning. Also check forms such as “a country”, “to sell”, “lead”, and “relationships”.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “this means” at the start of many sentences. Use simple links such as “This is because”, “For this reason”, and “As a result” only when they show a real link.
task response
You give a clear opinion in the opening and keep the same view in the ending.
task response
You use two main reasons and add an example for each one.
coherence and cohesion
Your ideas are put into clear paragraphs, and the ending returns to your main view.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “As a result”, “Furthermore”, and “Consequently” show an effort to link ideas.
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