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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Children should not be allowed to own smartphones until they reach the ages of 16. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Nowadays, some
children
Use synonyms
 own smartphones even at
the
Correct article usage
a
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 young age. Considering
about
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apply
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the negativity, I strongly agree that
Use synonyms
smartphone
Check wording
smartphones
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 should not be given until they reach
certain
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a certain
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 age.
Additionally
Linking Words
, poor academic
and
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performance and
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lack
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a lack
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 of social interaction can be affected
to the
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at a
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 young
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ages
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age
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 because of massive spend of using
smartphone
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.
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use.
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Body paragraph 1
Firstly
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, uncontrollable screen time on
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smartphone
Add an article
a smartphone
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 can
occur
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lead to
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 a lack of attention.
Many
Correct determiner usage
Much
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 content
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such
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, such
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 as
violence
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violent
 content and inappropriate
material
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material,
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 can be shown to them.
However
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,
Children
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 at
their
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a
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 young
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ages
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age
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 need more focus on learning
,
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.
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 The
reducing
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reduction
 of attention can make kids have a problem to solve some courses, Bad academic score can
be happened
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occur
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.
Body paragraph 2
Secondly
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,
smartphone
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abusive
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abuse
 can
makes
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make
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children
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to
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apply
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have less conversation, they may
rather
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prefer
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 to stay at home and
playing
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play
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 with their
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smartphone
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smartphones
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 all
time
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the time
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.
This
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 is a very bad
habits
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habit
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, because at
young
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a young
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ages
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age
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 they should learn about
socializing
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socialising
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 with
others
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others,
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 neither to stay at home or using
smartphone
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 very often. Lack of conversation not only can
effect of
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affect
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 their socialize live but
also
Linking Words
 their mental health too.
Conclusion
In
conclution
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conclusion
, many
children
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using
Verb problem
are using
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 a
smartphone
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 at a very young age. I highly agree that they should not get a
smartphone
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 until they reach certain
ages
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,
this
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 is a really bad behavior to their
live
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lives
as well as
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 their academic and social interaction. It is a lesson for their parents and teachers to monitor and regulate the rules of using
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smartphone
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smartphones
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 for
a kid
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kids
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.
However
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, it should be taken as seriously
things
Correct word choice
as things
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, as young kids
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 our future generation.

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task response
Your view is clear: you agree that young children should not have smartphones. To make your answer stronger, say clearly if you mean all children under 16, or only most children under 16.
task response
Develop each main point more. Explain how phone use can lead to less focus at school, then give one clear example. Do the same for less time with friends.
task response
Use more specific examples. For example, a child may spend hours on games at night, feel tired in class, and do less school work.
task response
The question asks about age 16. Your essay says "a certain age" many times. Keep the age 16 in your main points and end so your answer stays close to the question.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: opening, two main points, and ending. Keep this plan, but make each body part follow one simple pattern: main idea, why it happens, result, and example.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. "Firstly" and "Secondly" work well. Add simple links such as "For example", "As a result", and "Also" to show how one idea leads to the next.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the words are not in a clear order. Write shorter sentences. For example: "Too much phone time can reduce a child’s focus. This may cause problems at school."
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating "young ages", "smartphone", and "bad" many times. You can use "young children", "phones", "harmful", or "this problem".
task response
You give a clear opinion from the first paragraph and keep the same view in the ending.
task response
Your two main ideas are relevant: school work and time with other people.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to see as separate parts, with an opening, two body paragraphs, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as "Firstly", "Secondly", and "In conclusion" help the reader follow your main plan.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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