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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

It is argued that mobile phones and other electronic devices have no place in the classroom. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

7.5 / 9
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Introduction
It is often argued that electronic
devices
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 should not be allowed in the classroom.
Although
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this
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 advancement has some benefits for the
students
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, I completely disagree that using electronic gadgets in the study rooms can have numerous disadvantages because they can lead to distraction and reduce
students
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' concentration throughout the lectures.
Body paragraph 1
There are several reasons why people do not support the idea of involving these
devices
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 in the school curriculum. The primary reason is a disturbance.
This
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 is because teachers strictly prohibit using
such
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 kinds of electronics,
such
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 as mobile phones , during the lessons.
Consequently
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, the whole class may be disrupted, as they are more interested in using it for different purposes rather than listening to their teacher's lecture.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
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, excessive use of electronic
devices
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 can negatively affect
students
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' academic performance.
This
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 is mainly because they may struggle to concentrate on the educational materials explained by their teachers.
As a result
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, they may miss important information and fail to understand essential concepts, which can ultimately affect their academic progress.
Body paragraph 3
On the other hand
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,
however
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, opponents argue that mobile phones are essential in the classrooms . One of the main reasons is that
students
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 can learn their particular topic with vast knowledge from different educational sites,
along with
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 the teacher's lecture in class. For instance, some pupils search the same topic from a YouTube channel ,which is delivered by the instructor at the same time.
Consequently
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, pupils can understand the concept adequately through the detailed explanations.
Conclusion
In conclusion, even though using mobile phones
as well as
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 other electronic
devices
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 has some positive consequences for school-going children to clear their topics with the help of resources, I utterly believe that excessive dependence on these technologies has detrimental effects on
students
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' performance and adversely affects the classroom environment because of distractions.

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task response
Your view is clear: you do not agree with the idea. However, the essay gives one full paragraph for the other view. Make this part shorter, or explain more clearly why its good points do not change your view.
task response
Develop each main point with one clear example. For example, explain how a phone message, game, or video can stop a student from hearing key parts of a lesson.
task response
Be careful with very strong words such as “completely” and “utterly”. Your essay also says devices have some good points, so say clearly that you disagree mainly with free or too much use, not all use.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: opening, reasons against, other view, and ending. Keep this order, but make the link between the other view and your own view stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Use one main idea in each paragraph. The first body paragraph is about class disturbance, and the second is about poor study results. This is clear; add a little more detail to each before moving on.
coherence and cohesion
Some linking words are used well, such as “Furthermore”, “As a result”, and “For instance”. Avoid using too many result links when the next sentence is only an explanation. Use simple links such as “This means that” or “For this reason” when needed.
coherence and cohesion
Make reference words clear. In “using it for different purposes”, “it” can mean phones or devices. Write “using their phones for games or messages” instead.
task response
You answer all parts of the question and keep a clear view from the start to the end.
task response
Your points about distraction, low focus, and missed lesson content are relevant and easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
The essay uses clear paragraphs, and the opening and ending match your main view.
coherence and cohesion
The example of students using YouTube helps show why some people support devices in class.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Integration
  • Educational settings
  • Learning tools
  • Educational apps
  • Modern teaching methods
  • Unrestricted access
  • Distractions
  • Learning focus
  • Balanced approach
  • Usage policies
  • Pedagogical benefits
  • Classroom dynamics
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