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Writing Samples
Band 5

In modern society, more and more people live longer. Do you think the benefits of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

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Introduction
The
life
Use synonyms
 expectancy of
people
Use synonyms
is becoming longer
Wrong verb form
has been increasing
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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recent years.
Although
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 trend has some
drawbacksere
Correct your spelling
drawbacks
, I believe that the advantages
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 greater than
disadvantages
Add an article
the disadvantages
show examples
.
While
Linking Words
 a long
life
Use synonyms
 span increases a financial burden on society, it is valuable for improving
people
Use synonyms
's well-being and the preservation of traditional and historical memories.
Body paragraph 1
Increased longevity can increase
healthcare
Use synonyms
cost
Check wording
costs
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. A case in point is Japan, where an ageing population is placing a heavy financial strain on working-age
people
Use synonyms
 to
maintein
Correct your spelling
maintain
 the
healthcare
Use synonyms
 system.
As a result
Linking Words
, workers may have less money to spend or save.
This
Linking Words
, thereby, brings a negative effect on a national level.
However
Linking Words
, it can be mitigated by reforming a new
healthcare
Use synonyms
 system,
such
Linking Words
 as that used in the
US
Punctuation problem
US,
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 where medical costs are covered by individuals or companies through medical
insurances
Check wording
insurance
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.
Hence
Linking Words
, though a longer
life
Use synonyms
 expectancy increases the social costs,
thess
Correct your spelling
these
 costs could be reduced through
healthcare
Use synonyms
 reform.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, a longer
life
Use synonyms
 can improve a sense of well-being because
people
Use synonyms
 have more opportunities to spend time with family and friends. If
people
Use synonyms
 live longer,
for instance
Linking Words
, they are able to witness grandchildren's growth.
Additionally
Linking Words
, a longer lifespan can help us pass on historical memories to younger cohorts. In my experience, I had an
opportunities
Check wording
opportunity
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 to hear the story about
atomic
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the atomic
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 bomb dropped on Hiroshima from someone who actually suffered. The story was so vivid that I could still remember
after
Correct pronoun usage
it after
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 20 years had
past
Wrong verb form
passed
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, the current younger generation can't have opportunities
as
Punctuation problem
, as
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 almost all the witnesses are already dead.
This
Linking Words
 benefit,
therefore
Linking Words
,
invaluable
Verb problem
is invaluable
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 and should be regarded as an enormous advantage.
Conclusion
In
coclusion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
,
while
Linking Words
 a longer
life
Use synonyms
 expectancy might entail a monetary strain on
community
Add an article
the community
show examples
, the
advatages
Correct your spelling
advantages
 of
longer
Add an article
a longer
show examples
 lifespan,
such
Linking Words
 as a
high
Replace the word
higher
 welfare and the preservation of memories, outweigh
disadvantages
Add an article
the disadvantages
show examples
.

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task response
Give a clearer main view in the first paragraph. Say directly that the good points are more important than the bad points, and name the two main good points you will explain.
task response
Develop the point about money more fully. Explain why older people may need more care, who pays for it, and how this can affect work people and the country.
task response
Your Japan example is useful, but the US health care point is too simple. It may move costs from the state to people or firms, rather than truly make them lower. Use a more careful idea, such as better care at home or help people stay healthy for longer.
task response
The family and memory points support your view well. Make the link to society clearer: older people can give care, share family history, and teach young people about past events.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, one bad point, two good points, and ending. Keep this shape, but give each body paragraph one clear main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as "However", "As a result", and "For instance" are helpful, but some links are not clear. For example, "This, thereby" can be changed to "This can harm the country’s economy."
coherence and cohesion
Make the last sentence of the third paragraph complete and clear. Write: "This benefit is very important and should be seen as a major advantage."
coherence and cohesion
Check key word forms and spelling, as they can make ideas harder to follow. For example: "drawbacks", "advantages are", "maintain", "these costs", "conclusion", "community", and "past".
task response
You answer the question clearly and take one main side: the good points are stronger than the bad points.
task response
The story about a person who lived through the Hiroshima bombing is specific and powerful. It shows well why older people can help keep memories alive.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph starts with a clear topic idea, so the reader can follow your argument easily.
coherence and cohesion
The ending returns to your main view and sums up the key good points.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • increased life expectancy
  • ageing population
  • longer lifespan
  • family bonds
  • life experience
  • provide childcare
  • remain economically active
  • voluntary work
  • retirement age
  • pension system
  • healthcare services
  • long-term care
  • chronic illness
  • financial pressure
  • working-age population
  • tax revenue
  • independent living
  • healthy ageing
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