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Writing Samples
Band 6

Many children today are overweight. This is a serious health issue. Give the reasons for this health problem and give solutions to help solve it.

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Introduction
Many
children
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 today are overweight.
This
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 is a serious health issue.
However
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,
obesity
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 has truly changed how young people live.
This
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 essay will examine the reasons and solutions regarding the problem of
obesity
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.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, there are several reasons that lead to
obesity
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.
First,
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an abundance of restaurants.
For example
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, opening many branches of the same restaurant will attract the
children
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 to dine in.
Also
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, diversity in restaurants will let the
children
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 and people try the food , which is considered to be a marketing strategy.
Second,
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sugar has become a huge enemy for most
children
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.
For instance
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,
children
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 today buy from a convenience store all items containing sugar.
Moreover
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, nowadays sodas, bakeries and pastries are a big threat to society , especially
children
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.
Additionally
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,
children
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 are currently showing low levels of activity. At present,
children
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 use their free time on technology products , which will cause inactivity and
obesity
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.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, there are numerous solutions that save society and
children
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 from
obesity
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. A prime example would be sports. Nowadays, sports are the best activity for people.
Moreover
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,
children
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 can enter football club to reduce
obesity
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 and fat from restaurants and junk food. Another phenomenal example could be diet; eating healthy food will reduce
obesity
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 in
children
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.
For instance
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,
children
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 who eat a balanced diet and exercise regularly have a lower risk of becoming obese.
Furthermore
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,
Children
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 should reduce their sugar intake and replace sugary drinks with water or a fresh fruit
instead
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 of sweets to stay fit.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it’s clear to see that there are several reasons responsible for
obesity
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.
However
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, it must be noted that there are
also
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 many solutions.

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task response
You answer both parts of the task: causes and ways to help. To improve, explain each main cause more fully. For example, show how easy access to fast food leads to eating too much, and how screen time takes the place of play and sport.
task response
Your ideas are relevant, but some examples are too general. Use clearer real-life examples, such as children drinking sweet drinks every day or spending hours on phones after school.
task response
Give solutions that involve parents, schools, and the government, not only children. For example, schools can offer more sport, parents can buy less junk food, and shops can limit food ads for children.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. In the causes paragraph, group fast food and sugar together, then write a separate point about low activity. This will make the flow clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as “First,” “For example,” and “In conclusion” help, but do not start too many sentences with “Moreover” or “Additionally.” Use simple links such as “This means that” and “As a result” to show the link between ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences do not connect clearly, such as the point about many branches of one restaurant. State the cause and result directly: “Fast-food shops are easy to find, so children may eat junk food more often.”
task response
You address the health problem directly and include several causes, such as sugar, junk food, and low activity.
task response
You give useful ways to help, including sport, healthy food, less sugar, and water instead of sweet drinks.
coherence and cohesion
The use of separate paragraphs for causes and solutions gives the essay a clear overall shape.
coherence and cohesion
The final paragraph gives a short ending that returns to the main topic.
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