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Band 4.5

We now live in a consumer culture. What are the reasons for this and what are the consequences?

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Introduction
Nowadays, a consumer
culture
Use synonyms
 is becoming more popular because of a large number of different products. One of the reasons is that
people
Use synonyms
 spend a lot of time on social media, so it's easier for salesmen to sell their items by using marketing strategies, because of which society has a big wish to buy them. In my opinion, the main consequence of
this
Linking Words
 problem is internet fraud, because a lot of costumers in all ages lose
money
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, because they trust in advertisements.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
, consumer
culture
Use synonyms
 is developing
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 because social media is becoming one of the most important parts
in
Change preposition
of
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people
Use synonyms
's lives. There are a lot of kinds of advertising, which salesmen use on the Internet: wordplay, attractive
jingle
Rephrase
jingles,
 and eye-catching
design
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designs
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 make sales better, so
costumer
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customers
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 enjoy products and buy them no matter what.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 spend
money
Use synonyms
 on expensive things
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 because they want to look more stylish.
For example
Linking Words
, a person buys famous brands to look like a rich personality, but they can dislike these clothes.
As a result
Linking Words
, we live in a consumer
culture
Use synonyms
, because we have a high demand for different products.
Body paragraph 2
Unfortunately,
this
Linking Words
 development has
the
Correct article usage
apply
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consequences. In my view, the main one is fraud on the Internet, because it affects the loss of
people
Use synonyms
's
money
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. In most cases, society watches attractive advertisements and buys these items, but sometimes there are scammers
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 whom customers trust
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
and
then
Linking Words
 they need to solve
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money
Correct word choice
financial
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 problems. What is more,
this
Linking Words
 situation influences mostly big families, who already don't have enough budget.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it's impossible to stop the development of customer
culture
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, so the government should
to
Wrong verb form
apply
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struggle with the consequences for better
people
Use synonyms
's lives.

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task response
Answer both parts in a more equal way. Explain more fully why people buy more, and give at least two clear results of this culture, not only online fraud.
task response
Make the main idea more exact. More products are not the main reason by themselves; explain how ads, low prices, fast online buying, and the wish to look good can make people buy things they do not need.
task response
Use a clearer example. For example, a person may see an ad for a new phone, buy it even when their old phone works well, and then have less money for food, rent, or family needs.
task response
Some claims need more support. Explain why fraud is linked to consumer culture, and show how it affects people. You could also discuss waste, debt, or stress as other results.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. However, each body paragraph needs one main point. The first body paragraph mixes ads, social media, and famous clothes; split these ideas or link them more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear topic sentences. For example: 'One main reason for consumer culture is social media advertising.' Then explain this idea before moving to the example about famous brands.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating 'because' many times in one sentence. Use shorter sentences and simple links such as 'This is because', 'As a result', 'For example', and 'In addition'.
coherence and cohesion
Keep key words the same. Use 'consumer culture' rather than changing it to 'customer culture'. Use 'customers' rather than 'costumers', because 'costumer' means a person who makes clothes for plays or films.
coherence and cohesion
Make the final paragraph match the essay. If you say the government should act, state what it can do, such as check online shops, stop false ads, and teach people how to shop safely.
task response
You answer both the reasons and the consequences, and you give a clear view that online fraud can cause people to lose money.
task response
The example of people buying famous brands to look rich is relevant and helps show why some people buy things they may not truly want.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow at a basic level: it has an introduction, body paragraphs about causes and results, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use useful linking words such as 'Firstly', 'Secondly', 'For example', 'As a result', and 'In conclusion' to guide the reader.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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