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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below shows the number of enquiries received by the Tourist Information Office in one city over a six-month period in 2011

The graph below shows the number of enquiries received by the Tourist Information Office in one city over a six-month period in 2011
The graph shows the dynamics of
enquiries
Use synonyms
 by the Tourist
Information
Use synonyms
 office between
January
Use synonyms
 and
June
Use synonyms
 2011.
Enquiries
Use synonyms
 through telephone and in person were increasing between
January
Use synonyms
 and
June
Use synonyms
 2011,
while
Linking Words
enquiries
Use synonyms
 received through letter or email was declining.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the questions received by
Tourist
Correct article usage
the Tourist
show examples
Information
Use synonyms
 office through personal talks increased in each
month
Use synonyms
 of the period. The Tourists mostly asked the office
through
Change preposition
by
show examples
 telephone in
January
Use synonyms
 2002, with more than 800
occasions
Use synonyms
happened
Wrong verb form
happening
show examples
 in that
month
Use synonyms
,
although
Linking Words
 experienced a slight decline in the following
month
Use synonyms
 to 800
occasions
Use synonyms
 in February. In March, there was a noticeable increase
by
Change preposition
of
show examples
 200
occasions
Use synonyms
. The trend remained flat between March and April though a steep rise occurred in
the
Change the article
apply
show examples
May and still increased by 200
occasions
Use synonyms
at the end
Linking Words
 of
June
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 figure was higher than its counterpart in
January
Use synonyms
. Tourists enquired
Use synonyms
information
Change preposition
about information
show examples
 through personal talks
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
less happened than the other two in
January
Use synonyms
.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
,
in person
Add a hyphen
in-person
show examples
 enquiry was constantly increasing at the rate of 200
occasions
Use synonyms
 in each
month
Use synonyms
 between
January
Use synonyms
 and March. There was a dramatic increase in April, the highest rate of increase among any other
month
Use synonyms
 between
January
Use synonyms
 and
June
Use synonyms
. In
June
Use synonyms
,
in person
Add a hyphen
in-person
show examples
 enquiry was four times higher than in
January
Use synonyms
.
Use synonyms
Information
Add an article
The information
show examples
 asked through letter or email was more than 600
occasions
Use synonyms
 in
January
Use synonyms
 but began to decrease in the each
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
following
month
Use synonyms
 until it
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
plateaued in
June
Use synonyms
.
Hence
Linking Words
,
by letter
Add a hyphen
by-letter
show examples
enquiries
Use synonyms
 were
less
Correct quantifier usage
fewer
show examples
 in
June
Use synonyms
 than in
January
Use synonyms
.

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Vocabulary: Replace the words enquiries, information, january, june, month, occasions with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "information" was used 4 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 5 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • enquiries
  • Tourist Information Office
  • in person
  • by letter/email
  • by telephone
  • general trend
  • six-month period
  • significant increase
  • steady rise
  • decline
  • peak
  • fluctuations
  • monthly data
  • comparison
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