IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many cities, young people prefer shopping as a form of leisure activity, why do you think this happens and is it a positive or negative development?

Over
Linking Words
last
Correct article usage
the last
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 few years, surprisingly, young people have started showing interest in shopping. Not only that,
it
Correct word choice
but it
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 has become one of their leisure
activities
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will elaborate more on the various reasons and mention
if
Change preposition
whether
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this
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 is a positive or a negative trend.
To begin
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 with, these days’ youngsters prefer to stay alone or in nuclear families.
In other words
Linking Words
, they are not
socializing
Change the spelling
socialising
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 enough with their friends and family;
this
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 diverts their attention towards other
activities
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 can be done alone, one of which is shopping. In fact, there is a conspicuous trend among these individuals
which
Fix the agreement mistake
who
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 do a lot of
windows
Fix the agreement mistake
window
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 shopping.
In addition
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 to
this
Linking Words
, the TV commercials are
also
Linking Words
 playing a crucial role
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 turning these target groups
to
Change preposition
into
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 shopping malls.
For instance
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, a variety of new brands are advertising through many channels by using young adults in
to
Change preposition
apply
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these videos to lure them to purchase their branded products. My view is that
this
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 rising trend is a negative development for the youth because
this
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 will make them materialistic and
also
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 make them
to
Verb problem
apply
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loose
Use the right word
lose
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 interest in their
much loved
Use the right word
much-loved
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 hobbies or sports. Shopping now and
then
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 will bring materialism
in
Change preposition
into
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 their lives
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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mean
Correct subject-verb agreement
means
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 they will start valuing those purchased objects more than
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
human relationships.
Consequently
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,
such
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 people are likely to suffer from isolation and depression.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, they might lose interest in hobbies or
activities
Use synonyms
 that they
really
Verb problem
are really
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 fond of or
gives
Correct subject-verb agreement
give
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 them real joy
like
Punctuation problem
, like
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 dancing or playing football.
To conclude
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,
this
Linking Words
 generation should indulge in more useful
activities
Use synonyms
 than
shopping
Punctuation problem
shopping,
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 as it has many negative impacts in
near
Correct article usage
the near
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 future
like
Punctuation problem
, like
show examples
 loss of relationships and hobbies.

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structure
Use a clear topic sentence at the start of each paragraph to show the main idea.
coherence
Link ideas more smoothly with better transitions, so the essay flows from one point to the next.
grammar
Check common grammar mistakes and word use; for example, window shopping, lose, and the punctuation around dates and adjectives.
content
Give more concrete and varied examples to back up each point, not only ads and lonely life.
task achievement
Try to show both a small positive view before giving your own view, to give a more balanced answer.
stance
The essay shows a clear view that shopping is seen as a negative trend.
structure
There is a clear beginning and end, with signpost words to guide the reader.
coherence
The essay uses linking words to mark steps in the argument.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • disposable income
  • leisure activity
  • retail therapy
  • local economies
  • fashion trends
  • peer pressure
  • social status
  • environmental impact
  • consumption
  • waste
  • materialistic
  • cultural activities
  • prominent
  • neglect
  • therapeutic
  • social media influence
  • boost
  • desire
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