growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to The deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #strain #health #care #system #effort #education #lessons #school #curriculum

Nowadays, the

health

care system deals with the growing population of overweight

people which

Accept comma addition

people, which

causes the problems of

health

. It is thought by some people that the key to tackling the issue is to include more sport lessons in the curriculum at schools. In my opinion, I completely agree with the statement

Accept space

this

way definitely will improve the current situation.

First

of all,

growing number

Suggestion

a growing number

of obese

people including

Accept comma addition

people, including

children could be a serious problem.

For instance

recent survey

Suggestion

a recent survey

reveled

make visible

revealed

that the number of overweight people increased six times more in comparison with the

last

decade situation. At the moment, children who do little sport and exercises are tend to have issues with

heart

a form of energy that is transferred by a difference in temperature

heat

, high sugar level, and blood pressure in the future.

Therefore

the best solution of

this

problem is to increase total hours of physical education in the curriculum and encourage students to attend extracurricular classes. Another point to improve the existing situation is to involve parents into

active lifestyle

Suggestion

an active lifestyle

. It is evident that every child consciously or unconsciously follows parents’ way of living.

In other words

, if parents will be interested in being active and fit, that will encourage their children to do more physical activities. Promoting families to do more activities will solve

health

issues which will result in healthier generation in the future. In conclusion, to deal with the

health

and weight issues by increasing the number of sport lessons in the school curriculum is crucial, because

this

is the best method to keep children fit and healthy.

Submitted by glamurouslady on Fri Jun 28 2019

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Sentence 3 - Thesis
Sentence 4 - Outline sentence

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Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion

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6Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
1Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

254 words

5.00

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.5

Complete response

6.5

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Topic Vocabulary:

obesity rates
health care system
physical education
instill
long term
raise awareness
healthier lifestyle choices
nutritional education
active transport
quality of instruction
facilities and equipment
diet control initiatives
community sports programs

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