Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are equally responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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The issue of children’s health in recent days remains controversial. One of most remarkable factors that cause their higher level of unhealthiness is their unwholesome

lifestyle

Use synonyms

However

Linking Words

, while some people share the belief that children

theirselves

reflexive form of "them"

themselves

have to deal with

this

Linking Words

problem, I totally agree the idea both parents and schools take the responsibility for it. Some reasons supporting my opinion will be under indication with the scope of

this

Linking Words

writing. On one hand, parents are those who take main responsibility for children’s growth and maturity without a doubt. The

first

Linking Words

reason for it is that parents’ ways of teaching their children have

influence

Suggestion

an influence

on the young’s

lifestyle

Use synonyms

For example

Linking Words

, some Vietnamese parents who

regular

Suggestion

regularly

spend

whole day

Suggestion

the whole day

a whole day

earning money tend to let their

children

Suggestion

child's

self-educate, self-grow. They just give the young some money for

entire day

Suggestion

the entire day

an entire day

and come to work. As a consequence, what they eat and drink

everyday

Suggestion

every day

can lead to their sickness. Even if that young people eat

unnutrient

any substance that can be metabolized by an animal to give energy and build tissue

nutrient

food

such

Linking Words

chese

a solid food prepared from the pressed curd of milk

cheese

, fat, sugar, junk food and alcohol is not prevented, unfortunately it can become their

habbits

an established custom

habit

. The

second

Linking Words

reason is that children’s activities are mirror of parents’ ones because the young usually have a tend to follow what adults do. A

son

a short musical composition with words

song

can follow his father to get drunk, a

daughther

a female human offspring

daughter

can follow her mother’s staying up late. If adults do not take care of

theirselves

Suggestion

their selves

, their children will ignore health as well.

On the other hand

Linking Words

, schools

also

Linking Words

are in charge of dealing with

this

Linking Words

problem.

Firstly

Linking Words

, children easily get affected by their

educative

Suggestion

educational

environment. They are not old enough to know what is right and what is wrong.

For instance

Linking Words

, a boy can copy his bad friends to smoke, which leads him to some respiratory illnesses.

Secondly

Linking Words

, regulations in schools have troubles. The time

getting

Suggestion

is getting

to get

started

first

Linking Words

period is too early for students to get to

schools

Suggestion

school

on time.

As a result

Linking Words

, students usually get drowsy in classes and do not focus on lessons. Not only does it have influence on their knowledge, but leads them to an

unhealthiness

Suggestion

unhealthy

lifestyle

Use synonyms

. To sum up, both parents and schools contribute to build

children’s

Suggestion

a children’s lifestyle

lifestyle

Use synonyms

. Leading the young to

wholesome

Suggestion

a wholesome lifestyle

lifestyle

Use synonyms

helps them not just to raise their awareness of health but shape their future life.

hannaneh.esfandyariFri Aug 30 2019

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12
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
1
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
19
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 9.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

380 words

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Topic Vocabulary:

unhealthy lifestyle
growing concern
crucial role
addressing this issue
promote healthy habits
educational programs
physical activities
establish healthy routines
nutritious meals
collaboration

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