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Writing Samples
Band 5

Nowadays, people are moving to other countries to seek jobs. Some people think it affects the children of such home negativity while some others think it is beneficial to them. Discuss both sides and state your opinion

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Many
people
Use synonyms
 these days are migrating to a foreign
country
Use synonyms
 for jobs.
While
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 some
people
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 think that it induces negativity in
children
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 towards their home
country
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, others argue. In
others
Change noun form
other's
others'
show examples
 opinion, it is beneficial for
children
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travelling
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to travel
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 abroad.
According to
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 me,
children
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 should travel abroad so that they can learn to be independent and
also
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 learn different cultural values. On the one hand, there are
people
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how
Correct word choice
who
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 believe that
children
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 who migrate to other countries begin to think
negative
Change the word
negatively
show examples
 about their homeland.
This
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 is because,
according to
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 them once a child moves into a different nation they forget about the cultural values and
tradition
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traditions
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 which
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
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 inculcated in them as they were a child.
Moreover
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, it makes
a
Change the article
an
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 individual rely on their family and relatives that they will never be able to survive
elsewhere
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.
For example
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, many students from India who travel to the US for
further
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 studies
goes
Change the verb form
go
show examples
 on to apply for a green card and never return back to their home.
Hence
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this
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 is considered to negatively impact
people
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.
On the other hand
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, my view is that travelling abroad either to study or to work will only
instill
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instil
show examples
 confidence in an individual. It is very important for
people
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 to learn about other
countries
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countries'
country's
show examples
culture
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cultures
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 and
tradition
Fix the agreement mistake
traditions
show examples
 and adopt the goods it has to offer.
This
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 will eventually make a
person
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 more independent
and
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apply
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boost the morale of a
person
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 and make him successful.
For instance
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, there are many entrepreneurs
such
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 as Sundar Pichai CEO of Google who has not only studied abroad but
also
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 migrated permanently and is very successful. If he never moved out of his home
country
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, he would have never become the
person
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 he is today. In conclusion, even though there are some negative effects of migrating to a new
country
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, I believe there are many positives which
makes
Change the verb form
make
show examples
 a
person
Use synonyms
 successful and independent.

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task achievement
Make sure to provide a clear and balanced discussion for both sides. Consider providing more detailed examples or explanations to support your points.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the logical flow by using more linking words and phrases, which can help to guide the reader through your arguments more smoothly.
language accuracy
Revise your introduction to ensure clarity and correctness in phrasing. For example, instead of 'in others opinion', use 'in others' opinion'.
task achievement
Good attempt to provide a personal opinion and relate it to real-life examples, enhancing your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay features distinct separate paragraphs for each argument, contributing to the overall organization.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • emotional stability
  • academic progress
  • emotional distress
  • gain employment
  • educational journey
  • exposure to diverse cultures
  • financial stability
  • worldview
  • enhanced earnings
  • quality of life
  • mitigate
  • interventions
  • comprehensive
  • enriching development
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