IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people say music is a good way of bringing people of different culture and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree

#people #music #culture #ages
Music is a universal source of energy which connects
people
 with each other.
Therefore
, it has been said by more than a few individuals that songs are the essential product to tune
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
 of different cultures and generations together in one single mental space. I completely agree with the statement as albums
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
 different countries have a powerful impact on our lives.
Firstly
, with the advent of technology, the job of
artist's
Change noun form
artists
show examples
 in marketing their product has become easy. The role of
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 internet is huge in connecting various different melodies from all over the world in one application. The youth of our nation is inspired by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
albums like '
QUEEN'
Correct your spelling
Queen
 and 'Cold Play'. Mankind
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
 different countries have
also
 been mesmerized by the art of our country, especially the work of '
Indian
Correct article usage
The Indian
show examples
 Ocean and legends like 'Kishor Kumar'
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 been revolutionary in building our nation
to
Change preposition
into
show examples
 a musical country. Another point to consider is that in our nation, we have
almost
Rephrase
apply
show examples
hundreds of languages and
people
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
 all the states have songs in their own native language.
However
, when it comes to a Bollywood, classical
song
 or
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
retro
song
people
 of our country connect with each
in
Correct word choice
other in
show examples
 a whisker. They dance and repeat the lines of their
song
 as if it
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 their composition. Teens and senior citizens connect with each other when an old
song
 is playing on
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 radio, and it is inspiring to see that
word
Fix the agreement mistake
words
show examples
 when generated in tune can make the surroundings around us completely different. In conclusion, music definitely plays a crucial role in bringing humankind of different
tradition
Fix the agreement mistake
traditions
show examples
 and ages together and hopefully, it will continue to do the same.
Submitted by davearjun54 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence and Cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is satisfactory but it could be improved by more carefully developing each idea in its own paragraph, rather than mixing multiple ideas together.
Task Achievement
The writer has completed the task with minor gaps in covering all aspects of the task. Mentioning specific examples from both cultures and generations would have provided a more complete response.
Lexical Resource and Grammatical Range & Accuracy
The clarity of expressions could have been improved by refining sentence structure and avoiding complex run-on sentences where simpler structures could communicate the same idea more effectively.
Task Achievement
Specific examples provided could have been described more thoroughly to add more depth to the discussion and support main points more effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • cultural diversity
  • harmony
  • integration
  • bridging gaps
  • foster
  • ignite
  • embrace
  • communicate
  • celebrate
  • appreciate
  • inclusivity
  • universal language
  • emotional resonance
  • shared experiences
  • intercultural dialogue
  • intergenerational connections
  • cultural exchange
  • catalyst
What to do next:
Look at other essays: