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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many people use distance learning program to study at home, but some people think that it cannot bring the benefit as much attending college or universities. To what extent do you agree and disagree?

In the modern world, it is possible to study at home, thanks to advanced technologies.
Accordingly
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, many
people
Use synonyms
 are willing to study online because of its convenience and availability.
However
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, others feel that face-to-face conversation is essential for some
profession
Fix the agreement mistake
professions
show examples
,
such
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 as acting, drawing and architecture. After pondering
this
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 phenomenon, I believe that online education is comprehensive for only a limited number of professions
,
Punctuation problem
;
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 it can be
utilized
Use the right word
utilised
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 for extra
trainings
Fix the agreement mistake
training
show examples
. Nowadays, it is true that the
paper based
Use the right word
paper-based
show examples
 study is An old method. In
this
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 regard, modern
people
Use synonyms
 are keen to replace it with internet resources, as it will be affordable for many citizens.
In other words
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, they should not pay a huge amount of money for their universities and colleges.
Furthermore
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, online learning is comfortable for the housewives, as they will
get
Verb problem
gain
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
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knowledge, if the authorities provide them with
such
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 kinds of opportunities.
For instance
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, many housewives have duties at home, and
this
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 is the main reason why they
Verb problem
do have
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have not
Correct word order
not have
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 a diploma or certificate.
On the other hand
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,
it is clear that
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 some citizens are keen to think that online education cannot replace the old method of teaching, as these changes can negatively influence
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their interpersonal skills,
such
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 as communication and cooperation with their peers. In
this
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 regard, face-to-face communication and leadership
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 crucial for the students, if they are willing to become well-qualified employees in the future.
Moreover
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,
such
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 kinds of teaching methods can isolate
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
individuals from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.
That is
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 to say, they can become an
introvert
Replace the word
introverted
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 type of person
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 if they do not communicate with other
people
Use synonyms
, and
this
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 can create many problems for themselves,
such
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 as
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of confidence.
Consequently
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,
this
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 can damage
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their career opportunities. In conclusion,
although
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 many
people
Use synonyms
 reckon to think that online teaching is beneficial for the citizens, others feel that it cannot be useful for using some kinds of professions. In
this
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 regard, I believe that students should be taught at universities and other academic institutions, as nowadays, distance learning cannot replace the old methods.

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task response
State your view in the intro and keep it clear in the conclusion.
coherence
Use more linking words to show how ideas go together.
content
Give stronger examples and explain them for each point.
content
Clear stance on online learning vs old methods.
structure
Some idea of cost and access is included.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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