Some people think that qualities a person needs to become successful in today's world cannot be learned at universities or similar academic institutions. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In
this
day and age, many people
believe that people
's worth has changed a lot, from the traditional value
to the socio-economic condition. The essay extremely agrees with this
notion due to
modernization along with
the mass communication influence and negative effect on human awareness.
One of the primary reasons is nowadays while
the world's industrialization develops day by day, people
usually use material value
to subjectively assess others. To explain it further
, even though some people
still live with the truth value
, many others not only want to catch and show off their success and social position, but they also
use their aspects to judge people
. As a result
, more and more people
depend on these factors to prize each other. For instance
, many celebrities nowadays just focus on their appearance and fame in order to not sink into showbiz instead
of developing and nourishing the soul
Furthermore
, since living in the technological era, people
are influenced by social media's aspects such
as wealth or fame is the most important. In other words
, mass communications often draw a perfect life as if humans live successfully and have a high position in wealthy conditions, which means they will catch the meaning of life, will live happily, and gain respect. From that, being stressed about vanity, people
think if they want to have respect and recognition from society, they have to gain all of these.
In conclusion, because of the bad effects of social status and material possessions which caused to chasing of vanity and the influence of social media, people
have to balance their worth between morality and material value
.Submitted by bsphongplg on
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task achievement
Your introduction could be more explicit in addressing the precise topic of whether qualities for success in today's world can or cannot be learned at universities. Being clearer about the essay's main point will help set the stage more effectively.
task achievement
Strengthen the support for your main points by providing more specific examples and explanations. For instance, when discussing the influence of social media, you could mention how particular trends or influencers set unrealistic standards.
coherence cohesion
Work on grammatical accuracy and sentence structure to ensure clarity. Some sentences are convoluted and could be broken down or rephrased for better understanding.
task achievement
Your essay provides a comprehensive response to the question, touching on significant factors like materialism and the influence of social media.
coherence cohesion
There is a clear attempt to structure your essay with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence cohesion
You have effectively highlighted modern challenges, such as chasing vanity and how people assess worth based on material possessions, wrapping them into your argument.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?