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Writing Samples /
Band 4

In many countries people working in sport and entertainment earn much more money than professionals like doctors, nurses and teachers. Why do you think this happens in some societies and do you consider it is good or bad?

#countries #people #sport #entertainment #money #professionals #doctors #nurses #teachers #societies
It is evident that in many countries professionals like doctors, nurses and teachers are paid
lesser
Correct word choice
less
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 than those who are employed in
sports
Correct article usage
the sports
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 and
entertainment
 sectors. In my opinion, I strongly consider
this
 behaviour to be a bad practice as professionals should be earning more money. The main rationale behind paying lump sum amounts to
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
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 and
entertainment
 workers is
due to
 higher revenue generated by these businesses.
In other words
,
people
 in some countries lavishly spend on these sectors both legally and illegally.
For instance
, research conducted by the UK government demonstrated that eighty
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
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 of the citizen in London are more likely to spend a larger proportion of
the
Change the word
their
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 income on
entertainment
, which enables high monetary inflow to that sector. Because of the high income, the
people
 working for it get a higher salary.
Consequently
,
entertainment
 and
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
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works
Replace the word
workers
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 are paid
higher
Correct word choice
more
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. Giving more salary to these
people
 discourages the professionals who provide services to
people
. Owning to the
less
Correct word choice
lower
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 package paid to healthcare employees and teachers, they get attracted to concentrate on other modes of earning, which deviate
their
Change preposition
from their
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 primary focus.
For example
, an investigation conducted by the World Health Organization on physicians proved that most of the doctors are doing side business as they are not able to manage
the
Correct article usage
apply
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family
expenditure
Fix the agreement mistake
expenditures
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.
As a result
, the quality of work is reduced drastically, which is a major threat to a country. In conclusion, I believe that it is not right to invest more in
entertainment
 and sports,
instead
, the investment should be made
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 doctors, nurses, and teachers who play a vital role in everyone's life.

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task response
Your essay addresses the prompt but lacks depth and specificity in some areas. Make sure to provide clear, specific examples to support your points.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, but they lack strong connection and impact. Work on making these sections more engaging and relevant to the topic.
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