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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

the chart below shows the growth in the population in some of the world largest cities as well as the population distribution in urban and rural areas

the chart below shows the growth in the population in some of the world largest cities as well as the population distribution in urban and rural areas
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The bar graph gives information
of
Change preposition
about
show examples
Use synonyms
population
Correct article usage
the population
show examples
 increase in 4 different cities,
also
Linking Words
 the urban and rural
areas
Change noun form
areas'
area's
show examples
population
Use synonyms
 distribution. As
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can be seen from the graph, the most populated
city
Use synonyms
 was Tokyo as
it
Add a verb
isit
wasit
show examples
 similar to Bombay with approximately 25
million
Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
. The
quantity
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
 in Tokyo was over 16
million
Use synonyms
 and
Bombay
Change preposition
in Bombay
show examples
 was 5
million
Use synonyms
,
then
Linking Words
 Tokyo increased to over 20
million
Use synonyms
 and Bombay 11
million
Use synonyms
 before it became the most populated
city
Use synonyms
 in 2010. The least populated
city
Use synonyms
 was Jakarta with under 5
million
Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
 in 1970. The
quantity
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
then
Linking Words
 increased to
near
Change the word
nearly
show examples
 10
million
Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
 in 1990,
then
Linking Words
Use synonyms
population
Correct article usage
the population
show examples
 rose to more than 15
million
Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
. New
York
Change noun form
York's
show examples
Population
Use synonyms
 was 14
million
Use synonyms
 in 1970, and it shows growth to 16
million
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 and hit 17
million
Use synonyms
 in 2010. New York has become the least populated
city
Use synonyms
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and does not show
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
significant growth.
While
Linking Words
 Shanghai, had become the
third
Linking Words
 most populated in 1970, but
then
Linking Words
 it increased steadily to 13
million
Use synonyms
, before it increased minimally to 16
million
Use synonyms
.

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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words population, city, million, people with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "growth" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 5 times.
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