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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some parts of the world it is becoming popular to research the history of one’s own family. Why might people want to do this? Is it a positive or negative development?

#parts #world #research #history #one’s #people #development
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In certain areas of the world, it
becomes
Wrong verb form
has become
show examples
 a trend to have a pedigree analysis of one’s own family. It is because
people
 want to be aware of their medical
history
due to
growing
Correct article usage
the growing
show examples
 disease rate nowadays. In my opinion, it is a positive development as it would help them to identify suspected inherited syndromes.
Firstly
, in recent years, a number of
people
prefer
Wrong verb form
have preferred
show examples
 pedigree analysis of their
families
 because they want to know their medical
history
 as the disease rate
in
Correct your spelling
is
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
increasingly prevalent around the globe.
Moreover
, it would help them to identify genetic ailments which run in the
families
 and would eventually express in future generations, so family
tree
Fix the agreement mistake
trees
show examples
 would help
people
 to pre-diagnose inherited diseases.
For instance
, hearing loss is a genetic disorder which runs in the
families
 of various areas of Pakistan.
Secondly
, I believe, diagnosing suspected congenital syndromes using family
history
 would help
people
 to get early counselling about particular syndromes as it would help them to take early precautions and have a proper medical checkup on time.
Furthermore
, it would
also
 help
people
 to know more about their family customs, values and even intelligence.
For instance
, in our country cousin marriages in one of the leading causes of hearing loss in
families
 so by having family background information
people
 can stop consanguineous marriages.
To conclude
,
in particular
 regions of the world,
people
 prefer to have a family
history
 past because it would help them to identify various suspected diseases which run in their
families
 and ultimately affect
next
Correct article usage
the next
show examples
 generations. I believe it is a positive development as it will help them to take precautionary measures to control
such
 ailments and
also
 it will be beneficial in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 long run for
people
 to know about their family roots.
Submitted by khushbkht on

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Task Response
Expand on the reasons why it is becoming popular to research family history. Also, discuss both positive and negative aspects of this trend.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction is somewhat brief, consider providing more context and background on the topic. Ensure that the conclusion summarizes the main points and provides a definite ending to the essay.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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