In the modern world, it is no longer necessary to use animals as food or other products, such as medicines and clothing. Do you agree or disagree?

#world #animals #food #products #medicines

All around the world, animal products are used for food, clothes and

also

for medicine. Because of the development of human society and values, I believe that we should try to limit the use of animals for our own

purpose

Fix the agreement mistake

purposes

show examples

Firstly

, many studies

shows

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show

show examples

that plant-based diets not only provide enough nutrients for our bodies to function normally

Remove the comma

apply

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but

also

help us prevent health problems

such

as diabetes, high blood pressure or heart attacks. Meat has a lot of nutrients, but we can still replace it with plants. There are sufficient vegetable-based products

such

as pulse and soya milk that are rich in protein.

Secondly

, I think that sacrificing an animal’s life for a jacket or a dress is extremely cruel. Nowadays, clothes made of artificial materials are warmer,

softer

Correct word choice

and softer

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than

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

natural materials and

less

Add a missing verb

have less

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initial cost and maintenance

cost

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costs

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. So, no longer

need

Correct article usage

a need

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to exploit animals for manufacturing clothes.

Finally

, with the development of artificial

chemicals

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chemicals,

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we can replace animal

experimentations

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experimentation

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with sophisticated computer programs that could provide more accurate results.

For instance

, computer-based testing has been used

for

Change preposition

apply

show examples

the test the safety of new drugs or cancer treatments and has proved effective.

Therefore

, no longer necessary to use animals for new medicine testing or treatments. In conclusion, I believe that we should always try to limit the suffering of all creatures and aim for a world where we do not use animal products. It would be better for the environment and for ourselves.

Submitted by pdhaiyen2804 on Mon Mar 16 2020

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coherence cohesion

Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and supporting details to maintain logical flow.

task achievement

Provide additional specific examples and details to further support the argument.

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

Paragraph 1 - Introduction

Sentence 1 - Background statement
Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
Sentence 3 - Thesis
Sentence 4 - Outline sentence

Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph

Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion

Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph

Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion

Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

Sentence 1 - Summary
Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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7Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
0Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
11Grammar mistakes
 

5 paragraphs

246 words

4.50

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 7.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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In the modern world, it is no longer necessary to use animals as food or other products, such as medicines and clothing. Do you agree or disagree?

Fully explain your ideas

Some people think that parents should teach their children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the best place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Many people support the development of agriculture, such as factory farming and creation of new fruits and vegetables. Others oppose this idea. Present both views.

Travelling abroad is regarded as a valuable and good activity for young people, but some think it takes too much time and money. Discuss both view and give opinion.

Some people say History is one of the most important school subject. Other people think that, in today's world, subjects like Science and Technology are more important than History. Discuss both the views and give your own opinion.

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.