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Band 4.5

In the modern world, it is no longer necessary to use animals as food or other products, such as medicines and clothing. Do you agree or disagree?

#world #animals #food #products #medicines
All around the world, animal products are used for food, clothes and
also
 for medicine. Because of the development of human society and values, I believe that we should try to limit the use of animals for our own
purpose
Fix the agreement mistake
purposes
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.
Firstly
, many studies
shows
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show
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 that plant-based diets not only provide enough nutrients for our bodies to function normally
,
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apply
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 but
also
 help us prevent health problems
such
 as diabetes, high blood pressure or heart attacks. Meat has a lot of nutrients, but we can still replace it with plants. There are sufficient vegetable-based products
such
 as pulse and soya milk that are rich in protein.
Secondly
, I think that sacrificing an animal’s life for a jacket or a dress is extremely cruel. Nowadays, clothes made of artificial materials are warmer,
softer
Correct word choice
and softer
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 than
the
Correct article usage
apply
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natural materials and
less
Add a missing verb
have less
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 initial cost and maintenance
cost
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costs
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. So, no longer
need
Correct article usage
a need
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 to exploit animals for manufacturing clothes.
Finally
, with the development of artificial
chemicals
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chemicals,
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 we can replace animal
experimentations
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experimentation
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 with sophisticated computer programs that could provide more accurate results.
For instance
, computer-based testing has been used
for
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apply
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the test the safety of new drugs or cancer treatments and has proved effective.
Therefore
, no longer necessary to use animals for new medicine testing or treatments. In conclusion, I believe that we should always try to limit the suffering of all creatures and aim for a world where we do not use animal products. It would be better for the environment and for ourselves.
Submitted by pdhaiyen2804 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and supporting details to maintain logical flow.
task achievement
Provide additional specific examples and details to further support the argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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