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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think parents should control the behaviour of children from a very young age but others think we should give them more freedom. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Controlling the
behaviour
Use synonyms
 of
children
Use synonyms
 should be a concern for every parent's responsibility,
while
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 others
said
Wrong verb form
say
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 that they could behave
by
Change preposition
in
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 their own way.
However
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, both very topical debates will be discussed deeply before a rational conclusion. The proponent of educating the character
in
Change preposition
at
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 a young age for
children
Use synonyms
 is extremely important for their future. First and foremost, they
do
Verb problem
are
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 not aware
anything
Change preposition
of anything
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 else around them
in
Change preposition
at
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their
Change the word
an
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 early age. It is highlighted that they need intense
guide
Replace the word
guidance
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of
Change preposition
from
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the
Change the word
their
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parents
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 to teach them
on
Change preposition
apply
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how to behave.
For instance
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, if they make some mistakes
to
Change preposition
for
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 another, they have to apologize and admit it.
Furthermore
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,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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youngster
Fix the agreement mistake
youngsters
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also
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 prefer to do funny
thing
Fix the agreement mistake
things
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instead
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 of a serious matter,
then
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 they
could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
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differ
Replace the word
differentiate
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 between good and bad
behaviour
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. It can be seen that they like to do what they like without knowing the effects.
Therefore
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, giving education on
behaviour
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 by
parents
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 is a crucial thing to build a good personality for themselves.
On the other hand
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, the opponents of
this
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 perspective assert that
the
Correct article usage
apply
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teenagers have the right to get freedom in the beginning.
Firstly
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, some
parents
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 think that the time for letting them understand
on
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apply
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behaviour
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 is not in the adolescent timing. Yet, it could be
a
Correct article usage
the
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 right time to educate them when they become an adult. It would lead the
children
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 to quickly understand
on
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apply
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what they should learn.
Moreover
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,
this
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 kind of
parents
Use synonyms
also
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 assumed that no need to strictly teach them about a tough matter, since, they could only think of silly things. Preferring
onto
Change preposition
apply
show examples
playing time would take much more attention,
for example
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,
conversely
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, getting something boring including
advise
Replace the word
advice
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 could be avoided by them. By means that
a
Remove the article
apply
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control of
children
Use synonyms
's
behaviour
Use synonyms
 could be started after becoming
mature
Add an article
a mature
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 person. By way of conclusion,
a
Correct article usage
apply
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deep
supervising
Replace the word
supervision
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 and
educating
Replace the word
education
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 from
parents
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 are the pivotal elements to
assure
Verb problem
ensure
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a
Correct article usage
apply
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good
behaviour
Use synonyms
 of the adolescent, yet, some people prefer to start it when they become
mature
Add an article
a mature
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 person. As I would state
that
Correct word choice
apply
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the
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apply
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learning could begin
in
Change preposition
at
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the
Correct article usage
an
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 early age with the proper steps, thereby they would be familiar
and
Change preposition
with and
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 do
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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habitually.

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task achievement
Expand on relevant specific examples to strengthen your arguments. Providing more concrete illustrations will help clarify your viewpoint and increase persuasiveness.
task achievement
Ensure clarity and comprehension of ideas by simplifying complex or lengthy sentences. Shorter, clear sentences tend to communicate ideas more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Use transitional phrases to enhance the logical flow of ideas. Connective words and phrases will make it easier for the reader to follow the progression of your argument.
coherence cohesion
You've successfully structured the essay with a clear introduction and conclusion, providing a cohesive structure.
task achievement
The essay presents a balanced discussion of both viewpoints, which demonstrates a well-rounded understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your position and reinforces the arguments made, demonstrating a clear end to the discussion.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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