IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Many people judge success solely by money and material possessions. however, success can be achieved or measured in other ways. What are your opinion about this subject?

#people #judge #success #money #possessions
For so many years, some people’s philosophy was that we should measure success and fortune with financial aspects. In my opinion,
although
 having a good financial condition is a crucial part of
life
, other parts like friendship or family are important too. On the one hand, some higher values of
life
 like spending time with your family or having a good
relation
Replace the word
relationship
show examples
 with your relatives
is
Verb problem
apply
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a very important
aspect
Fix the agreement mistake
aspects
show examples
 of
life
.
For example
, if you do not spend much time with your child and miss their memorable incident,
then
 when you get older you do not have many common things with them.
Furthermore
, we should be sensitive about our responsibility
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 our family and we are not born to just make
money
, we are here to spend
money
 on our satisfaction. So, we cannot judge people by their wealth, we should consider the true meaning of
life
.
On the other hand
, having
money
 is an inevitable concept that we can ignore
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.
Besides
 that, without adequate
money
, we are not able to help others and
also
 poor people.
For instance
,
bill gates
Correct your spelling
Bill Gates
show examples
, the founder of Microsoft company, devoted
his
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
90% of his
money
 to charities, and when the reports asked him about what was your purpose, he said I have enough
money
 for the rest of my
life
, so I wanted to do something and I did it. So, if we spend
money
 in a good way it could be a turning point for the world. In conclusion, even though,
money
 plays a key role in our modern society, we cannot ignore the importance of other aspects of
life
.

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Coherence & cohesion
Try to strengthen the connection between your ideas. Use clear transition words to indicate the flow of arguments.
Coherence & cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph supports the main argument clearly and directly. Some arguments could be more explicitly tied back to the essay prompt.
Task achievement
Expand on your main ideas further; although you provide some relevant examples, a deeper exploration would enhance understanding.
Coherence & cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-presented, providing a clear start and finish to your arguments.
Task achievement
You have used relevant examples, such as the Bill Gates example, to support your arguments effectively.
Task achievement
Your essay covers the topic comprehensively, considering multiple perspectives on success.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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