IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many people judge success solely by money and material possessions. however, success can be achieved or measured in other ways. What are your opinion about this subject?

#people #judge #success #money #possessions
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For so many years, some people’s philosophy was that we should measure success and fortune with financial aspects. In my opinion,
although
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 having a good financial condition is a crucial part of
life
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, other parts like friendship or family are important too. On the one hand, some higher values of
life
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 like spending time with your family or having a good
relation
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relationship
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 with your relatives
is
Verb problem
apply
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a very important
aspect
Fix the agreement mistake
aspects
show examples
 of
life
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.
For example
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, if you do not spend much time with your child and miss their memorable incident,
then
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 when you get older you do not have many common things with them.
Furthermore
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, we should be sensitive about our responsibility
for
Change preposition
to
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 our family and we are not born to just make
money
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, we are here to spend
money
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 on our satisfaction. So, we cannot judge people by their wealth, we should consider the true meaning of
life
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.
On the other hand
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, having
money
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 is an inevitable concept that we can ignore
it
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apply
show examples
.
Besides
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 that, without adequate
money
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, we are not able to help others and
also
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 poor people.
For instance
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,
bill gates
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Bill Gates
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, the founder of Microsoft company, devoted
his
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apply
show examples
90% of his
money
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 to charities, and when the reports asked him about what was your purpose, he said I have enough
money
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 for the rest of my
life
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, so I wanted to do something and I did it. So, if we spend
money
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 in a good way it could be a turning point for the world. In conclusion, even though,
money
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 plays a key role in our modern society, we cannot ignore the importance of other aspects of
life
Use synonyms
.

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Coherence & cohesion
Try to strengthen the connection between your ideas. Use clear transition words to indicate the flow of arguments.
Coherence & cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph supports the main argument clearly and directly. Some arguments could be more explicitly tied back to the essay prompt.
Task achievement
Expand on your main ideas further; although you provide some relevant examples, a deeper exploration would enhance understanding.
Coherence & cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-presented, providing a clear start and finish to your arguments.
Task achievement
You have used relevant examples, such as the Bill Gates example, to support your arguments effectively.
Task achievement
Your essay covers the topic comprehensively, considering multiple perspectives on success.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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