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Writing Samples
Band 6

In some countries, parents expect children to spend long time studying both in and after school, and have less free time. Do you think it has the positive or negative effects on children and society?

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In some nations, parents have a tendency to put pressure on their
children
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, which
force
Correct subject-verb agreement
forces
show examples
 them to spend excessive
hours
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 on studying and to ignore leisure activities.
This
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 essay argues that
this
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 trend exerts detrimental effects on
students
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,
as well as
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 the whole society.
This
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 essay will
firstly
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 discuss how extended
hours
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 of studying during and after school would reduce
students
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’ productivity, and
secondly
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, discuss how
this
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 trend has
negative
Add an article
a negative
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 impact on
children
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’s mental health.
To begin
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 with, a counter effect of excessive
study
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time
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 is that it diminishes
students
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’
overall
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 performance. To be more specific, their learning outcome is negatively proportionate to the long
time
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 spent on academic matters.
This
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 is because extended and continuous studying duration would make
children
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 mentally exhausted, diminishing their concentration capacity and ability to assimilate novel knowledge.
As a result
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, even though
students
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 invest a lot of
time
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 in learning school subjects, their productivity is not as high as they expected.
For instance
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, research results show that 80% of
children
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 who spend at least 8
hours
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 doing assignments and reviewing lessons, both at school and at home, do not score as high as those using just 4
hours
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, indicating that
exorbitant
Correct article usage
an exorbitant
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 amount of
study
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time
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 may lead to worse performance.
Moreover
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, juveniles would probably suffer from some psychological problems if they
are
Wrong verb form
were
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 forced to
study
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 all the
time
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 without resting. More specifically, having to learn an overwhelming amount of information
in
Change preposition
over
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such
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 a long period would make
students
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 feel overloaded, stressed and even suffer some chronic depression.
As a result
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, the declined happiness level is likely to give rise to dissatisfaction with
students
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' surroundings and anti-social behaviours which,
consequently
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, may harm the community they live in.
For example
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, a report demonstrates that most of
malleable
Add an article
the malleable
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children
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 who are forced to
study
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 non-stop to achieve good academic results would sooner or later act aggressively towards their family and teachers because they cannot withstand the pressure anymore. In conclusion, excessive
study
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period
Fix the agreement mistake
periods
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 with reduced leisure
time
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 would diminish
children
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's productivity and negatively influence their mental conditions.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I believe
this
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 trend has detrimental impacts on both the individual and communal levels.

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coherence and cohesion
Strengthen the connection between ideas by using more linking words and phrases. This will enhance the flow of your essay.
task achievement
Consider providing more specific statistics or references to credible studies to reinforce your arguments.
introduction
The introduction is clearly outlined and presents the main argument effectively.
supporting examples
You have provided reasonable examples to support your points, which adds depth to your argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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