IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph and table below show the average monthly temperatures and the average number of hours of sunshine per year in three major cities.

The graph and table below show the average monthly temperatures and the average number of hours of sunshine per year in three major cities.
#show #temperatures #hours #sunshine #year #three #cities
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The line graph gives information about the mean temperatures per month,
while
Linking Words
 the table illustrates the total number of hours of sunshine per year in
London
Use synonyms
, New
York
Use synonyms
, and
Sydney
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
temperature
Add an article
the temperature
show examples
 in
London
Use synonyms
 and New
York
Use synonyms
 is highest
during
Change preposition
from
show examples
 June to August,
whereas
Linking Words
 during
this
Linking Words
 time
temperature
Use synonyms
 in
Sydney
Use synonyms
 is lowest. It is
also
Linking Words
 clear that
London
Use synonyms
 has the least
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
show examples
 of hours of sunshine among
three
Correct article usage
the three
show examples
 cities. In January,
average
Add an article
the average
show examples
 monthly
temperature
Use synonyms
 in
Sydney
Use synonyms
 was 25
degree
Fix the agreement mistake
degrees
show examples
, followed by that in
London
Use synonyms
 and New
York
Use synonyms
, at 3 and 8
degree
Change to a plural noun
degrees
show examples
 respectively. In the first three months of the year, their average temperatures are lower than 15
degrees
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
Use synonyms
Sydney
Change noun form
Sydney's
show examples
temperature
Use synonyms
 reaches 26
degrees
Use synonyms
 in January which is considered
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the hottest period
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
Sydney
Use synonyms
. In the middle of the year, temperatures in New
York
Use synonyms
 and
London
Use synonyms
 increase significantly to reach the highest point at 29 and 24
degrees
Use synonyms
 respectively in July.
In contrast
Linking Words
, the
temperature
Use synonyms
 in
Sydney
Use synonyms
 drops dramatically and
reach
Correct subject-verb agreement
reaches
show examples
 its lowest
temperature
Use synonyms
 at 16
degrees
Use synonyms
 in July.
Submitted by xuanngoc022 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words london, york, sydney, temperature, degrees with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "reaches" was used 3 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: