IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#say #people #age #work
It is often believed that because of a good quality of life and development of
health care system
Suggestion
the health care system
, the life expectation has increased noticeably, and
therefore
 the
retirement
age
 should be increased. To
certain extent
Suggestion
a certain extent
, I tend to agree with
this
 point of view. On the one hand, it is widely thought that the
retirement
age
 should be raised, because it can provide seniors with an opportunity to interact socially and be
physical
Suggestion
physically
 active.
In other words
, when elders retire from their occupation, they may undergo a social isolation, which will lead to depression and loneliness.
For example
, there is the fact that after
retirement
, many elders spend most of their time alone and inactive, that can damage their mental and physical
heath
a healthy state of wellbeing free from disease
health
.
Thus
, the
age
, at which people get retired, should be increased for the
wellbeing
Suggestion
well being
 of elders.
On the other hand
, raising
retirement
age
 can result in an increase unemployment rate among
younger generation
Suggestion
the younger generation
. To be more precise, every year a huge number of graduates aim to get employed at some companies. If the
age
, at which people get retired, is raised, youth are less likely to find work positions. For
this
 reason,
retirement
Suggestion
the retirement age
age
 should not be increased in order to create job opportunities for younger people. In conclusion, I confirm that raising
retirement
Suggestion
the retirement age
age
 may help seniors to interact more, while it can
also
cause to growth
Suggestion
cause the growth
cause to the growth
 of
unemployment rate
Suggestion
unemployment rates
the unemployment rate
 of youth. On balance, I highly suggest that the
labor
a social class comprising those who do manual labor or work for wages
labour
 force of elders should be
direct
Suggestion
directed
 at other activities,
for instance
, training session and meetings with young employees to share knowledge and experience.
Submitted by reyhankzmurodova0608 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: