IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#say #people #age #work
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It is often believed that because of a good quality of life and development of
health care system
Suggestion
the health care system
, the life expectation has increased noticeably, and
therefore
Linking Words
 the
retirement
Use synonyms
age
Use synonyms
 should be increased. To
certain extent
Suggestion
a certain extent
, I tend to agree with
this
Linking Words
 point of view. On the one hand, it is widely thought that the
retirement
Use synonyms
age
Use synonyms
 should be raised, because it can provide seniors with an opportunity to interact socially and be
physical
Suggestion
physically
 active.
In other words
Linking Words
, when elders retire from their occupation, they may undergo a social isolation, which will lead to depression and loneliness.
For example
Linking Words
, there is the fact that after
retirement
Use synonyms
, many elders spend most of their time alone and inactive, that can damage their mental and physical
heath
a healthy state of wellbeing free from disease
health
.
Thus
Linking Words
, the
age
Use synonyms
, at which people get retired, should be increased for the
wellbeing
Suggestion
well being
 of elders.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, raising
retirement
Use synonyms
age
Use synonyms
 can result in an increase unemployment rate among
younger generation
Suggestion
the younger generation
. To be more precise, every year a huge number of graduates aim to get employed at some companies. If the
age
Use synonyms
, at which people get retired, is raised, youth are less likely to find work positions. For
this
Linking Words
 reason,
Use synonyms
retirement
Suggestion
the retirement age
age
Use synonyms
 should not be increased in order to create job opportunities for younger people. In conclusion, I confirm that raising
Use synonyms
retirement
Suggestion
the retirement age
age
Use synonyms
 may help seniors to interact more, while it can
also
Linking Words
cause to growth
Suggestion
cause the growth
cause to the growth
 of
unemployment rate
Suggestion
unemployment rates
the unemployment rate
 of youth. On balance, I highly suggest that the
labor
a social class comprising those who do manual labor or work for wages
labour
 force of elders should be
direct
Suggestion
directed
 at other activities,
for instance
Linking Words
, training session and meetings with young employees to share knowledge and experience.
Submitted by reyhankzmurodova0608 on

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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