IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that television programmes are of no real value for childrevn How far do you agree or disagree????

#people #television #programmes #value #childrevn
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It has always been arguments about whether televisions have negative
effects
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 on
children
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 or
its
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whether its
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programs
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 may
also
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 help to educate kids. I believe those
programs
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 may have many positive outcomes and they may outperform the negative ones. In the following texts, I will discuss my opinions. There are many assumptions that watching violent movies may lead to those reactions.
For example
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, there are many serial killers, who might develop
such
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 behaviours by watching films because
children
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 may quickly learn from what they watch so their characteristics may become shaped.
Furthermore
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, many argue that television sitcoms may make teenagers
having
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have
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 a relationship too early.
Therefore
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, they may not be able to finish their studies and may suffer throughout their life.
However
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, there are many educational shows and cartoons which help to develop
children
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 with both knowledge and
characteristic
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characteristics
show examples
. To illustrate
this
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, there are
programs
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 which teach
children
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 about
physic
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physical
show examples
 facts by raising their curiosities and
as a result
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, many have developed a dream to become a physician.
Furthermore
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, take
cartoon
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cartoons
show examples
 as an example, those about family life by using cute animals may help
children
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 to develop their relationships with their parents.
Also
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, kid music shows may help them to have a relaxing time.
To conclude
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,
it is clear that
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 television
programs
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 have both negative and positive
effects
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 on
children
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. In my opinion,
while
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 there are some negatives, they are mostly indirect.
However
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, many shows may have positive
effects
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to help
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in helping
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 to teach
children
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.
Also
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, parents need to have
controls
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control
show examples
on
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over
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 which
programs
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 their
kid
Fix the agreement mistake
kids
show examples
 watch to prevent unexpected
effects
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by jeannguyen.ca on

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coherence cohesion
The essay addresses the prompt and presents a clear argument. However, the introduction and conclusion could be more developed to provide a stronger framework for the essay.
task achievement
The essay provides a relevant response to the task, presenting both positive and negative aspects of television programs for children. However, further development and clarification of ideas would strengthen the clarity and comprehensiveness of the essay.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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