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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what are the measures should be taken to reduce this?

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Youngsters are challenging a
lot
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 of
stress
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 in recent times from studies, jobs, and business perspectives. The potential
reason
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 for
this
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 would be
due to
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 increased competition in the market. Giving more time for
sports
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 and fun activities would be a possible alternative to overcome
pressure
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 among
children
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.
This
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 essay will discuss the possible reasons and measures to reduce
stress
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 in
children
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 by taking examples from newspapers and journals.
To begin
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 with, currently,
children
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 are facing a
lot
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 of
stress
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 to achieve a successful
carrier
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career
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. The main
reason
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 for
this
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 kind of
pressure
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 would be
due to
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 fewer opportunities in the market, the increased global population is one of the prime
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reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
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 for limited opportunities for the
students
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 to work hard.
For instance
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, In Japan to get an opportunity to study in universities,
students
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 should get at least 80% in both primary and secondary education.
As a result
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, achieving
this
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 high percentage would
build
Verb problem
cause
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 a
lot
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 of
stress
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 in
children
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.
Therefore
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, it increases a
lot
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 of mental
stress
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 in youngsters.
Secondly
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, there are possible measures where
this
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stress
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 in
children
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 can be controlled. Participating in physical activities for 2 hours per day would be the best alternative for
children
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 to avoid
metal
Correct your spelling
mental
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pressure
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.
For example
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,
the
Correct article usage
a
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 recent study by Oxford University revealed that
children
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 who enjoy playing
sports
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 are more active and goal-oriented. In the same way, it
also
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 proved that
students
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 release a
lot
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 of mental
pressure
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 in
sports
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 to make themselves more energetic.
Therefore
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, it is completely clear that giving quality time in the playground is the best option for
students
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 to balance their
stress
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 levels. In conclusion, It is absolutely clear that increasing competition for limited opportunities is one of the main
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reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
 for
children
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 to
stress
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, and it can be controlled by giving some time for
sports
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.

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task achievement
While the essay addresses the task and covers the main points, it can be further improved by providing more detailed explanations and elaborating on the examples given. Expanding on the reasons for the increased competition and linking them to the pressures more explicitly would enhance the response.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, consider using more varied transition words and phrases to link ideas and paragraphs smoothly. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea that closely relates to the overall argument of the essay.
introduction conclusion present
The essay has a clear and relevant introduction and conclusion. It effectively frames the discussion and summarizes the main points.
relevant specific examples
The essay includes relevant specific examples, such as the scenario in Japan and the Oxford University study, which help to illustrate the points being made.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • academic pressure
  • globalized world
  • competitive education system
  • social media influences
  • cyberbullying
  • commercial pressures
  • aggressive marketing
  • materialistic desires
  • peer pressure
  • high expectations
  • standardized testing
  • quantifiable performance
  • stress and anxiety
  • extracurricular achievements
What to do next:
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