IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that in order to produce a happy society, it is necessary to ensure that there is only a small difference between the earnings of the richest and poorest. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #society #difference #earnings
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In recent years, the relationship between financial health and
happiness
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 has become a controversial topic. Some people believe that it is necessary to keep a check
between
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on
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 the difference in income between the richest and the poorest in
order
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 to create a happy society.In
this
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 essay, I will give an explanation of why I tend to partly disagree with
this
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 statement.
Firstly
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, wealth can bring you materialistic
happiness
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 through the means of buying luxury goods.
This
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 might help to relax and enjoy frivolous products.
For example
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, I wanted to buy a car called the Genesis G90 which has a lot of opulent features like heated seats, ambient lighting, and fur carpeting.
Although
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 buying
this
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 car brought me a lot of joy, that kind of
happiness
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doesn
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'
t
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last
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 long. Materialistic
happiness
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 is undoubtedly a short-term solution.
Secondly
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, I would like to point out that
one
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doesn
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'
t
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 need
money
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 to find
happiness
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, there are other long-term measures of
happiness
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 that
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doesn'
Correct subject-verb agreement
don't
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t
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 require a person to be vastly wealthy.
For Example
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, I adopted a baby Golden Retriever three years ago and
one
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 cannot put a price on the amount of
happiness
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 and love he has brought into my life.
One
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 might argue that you need
money
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 in
order
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 to adopt an animal, but the fact is you don'
t
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 need to be extremely rich in
order
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 to do so. In my opinion, even if you need some
money
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 to attain
happiness
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 in your life,
one
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doesn
Use synonyms
'
t
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 need an exorbitant amount of
money
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 to achieve
happiness
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.
Therefore
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 we might not need to target to be wealthy in
order
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 to attain a content life.
Submitted by akky638 on

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Task Achievement
The essay provides a clear response to the prompt and presents arguments both in agreement and disagreement with the statement. Make sure to address all parts of the prompt in a more structured manner to improve task achievement.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a good logical structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Ensure that the transition between paragraphs is smoother for better coherence.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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