IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many think that religion should be taught in schools while others think it should be avoided. Discuss both sides and give your opinion

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A significant number of people out there hold the perception that doctrine should be educated in schools,
by contrast
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, other individuals
also
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 share the sentiment that it should not be part of the educational curriculum
hence
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 it should be halted.
This
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 essay shall completely endorse the former assertion.
However
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, the two opposing views will be brought to bear in the following paragraphs after which a logical conclusion will be drawn. On one hand, it is blatant that religion fosters spiritual development. Because it entails morals
as well as
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 ethics, if trainees are being taught of it, they would develop the habit of being courteous
as a result
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 making them become
a
Correct article usage
apply
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responsible
citizen
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citizens
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 and
also
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 preventing them from unscrupulous activities
such
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 as armed robbery, gambling and prostitution.
For instance
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, a survey was conducted by a religious group in Africa two years ago and revealed that countries that involve morality in various schools do not encounter more criminal activities,
hence
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 it is not in doubt that the argument against doctrines in schools has a myriad of supporters because it is a plethora of advantages not only to the general public but
also
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 in an individual.
On the other hand
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, it is apparent that sometimes adding a myth in a curriculum can lead to misunderstanding between pupils. To explicate
this
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 scenario, since individuals have his or her own beliefs, one might not accept a different myth in view of
this
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, conflict can arise.
For example
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, people who are
being
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natural
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naturally
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in
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Muslim will find it difficult to accept Christianity and
this
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 is the reason why conflicts have been rising in some
part
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parts
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 of Arabic nations. It is in light of
this
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 that avoiding myths in education is a justifiable course of action. In conclusion, after analyzing the two contradictory ideas. I strongly believe that doctrine should be part of education,
nonetheless
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, I recommend that the Ministry of Education in various nations should educate its citizens about the subject and make it more interesting.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear and logical progression of ideas which makes it difficult to follow. You should organize your ideas into well-structured paragraphs, each with a clear topic sentence followed by supporting details. Transitions between paragraphs should be smooth and logical, aiding the flow of the essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Introduction and conclusion should clearly highlight the main points and restate your opinion, respectively. Ensure they are well-developed and focus on clearly stating the purpose of the essay, the points that will be discussed, and your stance on the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay tends to provide points without adequate supporting details. Always back up your main points with clear, relevant examples or evidence to strengthen your argument.
Task Achievement
The response does not fully cover the requirements of the task. Both views and your own opinion must be discussed, but your development of the arguments for and against teaching religion in schools is minimal. Develop your arguments more fully and balance the discussion of both sides of the argument before presenting your opinion.
Task Achievement
Ensure that the ideas presented in the essay are clear, well thought out, and comprehensive. Avoid over-generalizations and vague statements. Instead, focus on clear, specific ideas that directly relate to the task at hand.
Task Achievement
Your essay lacks strong, relevant examples that support your arguments. Include specific examples or case studies to illustrate your points and show a deeper understanding of the topic. Ensure that these examples are directly relevant to the topic of religion in education.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • religious education
  • multi-faith society
  • values and ethics
  • tolerance
  • diversity
  • religious freedom
  • secular education
  • curriculum
  • worldviews
  • interfaith dialogue
  • religious literacy
  • moral guidance
  • cultural understanding
  • critical thinking
  • respect
  • indoctrination
  • religious beliefs
  • secular state
  • religious extremism
  • academic subject
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