The growing number of overweight people is putting as train on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree? -

It is known that physical activities in general, promote a benefit for
health
preventing diseases.
However
, the practice goes beyond
health
.
For instance
, physical
education
lessons can learn how the students can work
Add the preposition
for

The phrase following the intransitive verb work seems to be missing a preposition. Consider adding one.

show examples
a team; they learn how important is socialize trough the sports and doesn´t overload
h
Add an article
the

It appears that an article is missing before the word health. Consider adding the article.

show examples
ealth
system
. Personally, I agree with the introduce more physical and activities
education
lessons in the school schedule and I feel
this
way for tree reasons
Firstly
, nowadays where technology has an important role in our life,
for instance
,people can do anything just pushing a bottom or one click
in
Verify preposition usage
on

It appears that the preposition in may be incorrect in this context. Consider changing it.

show examples
w
Add an article
the
a

The noun phrase website seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

show examples
ebsite.
This
situation goes to believe that everybody can do or solving the problems themselves and believing working alone is enough. I would say that work a team is crucial for broad up.
In addition
, physical activities can improve focus and reasoning during the classes, according
Add the preposition
to

It appears that there is a missing preposition after the word according. Consider adding a preposition.

show examples
researches.
Furthermore
, socialize has an important role in our society, especially in students life. How like a said before, more and more has been normal students make their lessons or assignment alone, surfing on
i
Add an article
the

It appears that an article is missing before the word internet. Consider adding the article.

show examples
nternet or searching or sharing their questions only the colleagues
by
Verify preposition usage
on
via

It appears that the preposition by may be incorrect in this context. Consider changing it.

show examples
i
Add an article
the

The noun phrase internet seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

show examples
nternet. Now we have an important social problem, where students prefer
m
Add the particle
to

It appears that the verb make should be in the to-infinitive form. Consider adding the word to.

show examples
ake their homework alone rather than to make
the
Correct your spelling
them

The word the doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

show examples
work in
g
Add an article
a
the

The noun phrase group seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

show examples
roup. In my opinion, the physical classes
education
could show how import is
the
Remove the article
apply

It appears that the is unnecessary in this context. Consider removing it.

show examples
socializing.
Nevertheless
, lonely, anti-social behaviour and other practices avoid social contact can be caused bad eating habits.
For instance
, it is very normal recognized fat people associated an anti-social behaviour, where they can spend a lot of time using cell phones, video-games and PC games. The isolation, promoted
consequently
high ingestion of food, little or none caloric expenditure, taking the overweight. These cascades, beginning with a little social isolation, can be become a burden for our
health
system
, overloading the
system
, that could be avoided introducing physical classes on school schedule. In conclusion, I would say physical practice activities are crucial for the body, mental,
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour

The spelling of behavior is a non-British variant. For consistency, consider replacing it with the British English spelling.

show examples
and economic. Whether the government understand how important to spend money-making projects for physical
education
classes, our
health
system
couldn´t be crowded caring cases that could control with just physics exercises.
Submitted by heitorcavalini on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Turn your IELTS writing into band 7+
Get 60% discount and enjoy a quick and easy way to check IELTS Writing Task 1&2!

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Read more in the eBook

The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »

* free ebook for Premium users

What to do next:
Look at other essays:
Quick and easy way to check your IELTS writing task 1&2
After you write your essay, you will be provided with tips with examples of how to make your essay better in order to get a score above 7.