IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Throughout history, male leaders have led us into violence and conflict. If a society is governed by female leaders it will be more peaceful. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

According to
Linking Words
 past experience, it has been noticed that women lead the states more peacefully compared to men leaders. I disagree with the statement because leadership does not depend on gender.
Firstly
Linking Words
, leadership relies on competencies.
Male
Fix the agreement mistake
Males
show examples
 and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 are biologically different and have some vibrant features, but both are
recognized
Change the spelling
recognised
show examples
 as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
human
being
Fix the agreement mistake
beings
show examples
 with the most common attitudes. To become a great supervisor, it is necessary to have characteristics to work for others, which can be achieved by both sexes.
Therefore
Linking Words
, those persons, whether they are male or female, could command a country if they have significant supervising skills.
For example
Linking Words
, Angela
Markel
Use the right word
Merkel
show examples
 has been the Chancellor of Germany, successfully
represents
Wrong verb form
representing
show examples
 her nation as she has
that
Correct determiner usage
those
show examples
 qualities;
on the other hand
Linking Words
,
Barak
Use the right word
Barack
show examples
 Obama
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 is very famous as
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
president
Fix capitalization
President
show examples
 of
United
Correct article usage
the United
show examples
 States of America because of his proficiency in politics.
Likewise
Linking Words
, chaos could happen if
Correct article usage
the commender
show examples
commender
Use the right word
commander
show examples
 is chosen considering the biological issue. Some prime commanding skills are being vocal, patriotism, brave enough to stand onside the general people, and
decision making
Use the right word
decision-making
show examples
 power. These features can be grasped by any
individuals
Fix the agreement mistake
individual
show examples
 regardless of sex
;
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
 because
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
these
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 are not
depended
Replace the word
dependent
show examples
 on the soft or hard attitudes of
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
.
Hence
Linking Words
, if a woman is elected just with the thought that she will run the state
mildly
Punctuation problem
mildly,
show examples
 though there are more skilful male leaders available in the way, that would be an unjustified act which could create violations.
For instance
Linking Words
, there are some countries at present are represented by ladies but have huge political and social unrest. In conclusion, people have contrasting views, whether
gents
Check wording
gentlemen
show examples
 or ladies are more appropriate for commanding. I think those
should be chosen
Correct word order
apply
show examples
who have sufficient leadership capacities
.
Correct word order
should be chosen.
show examples

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

planning
Begin with a clear view in the intro. State if you agree or disagree.
structure
Organize one main idea per paragraph and connect ideas with simple link words.
content
Use precise and simple examples. Explain how Merkel and Obama show calm rule, and fix spelling.
language
Check grammar and word choice. Use common words to avoid mistakes.
structure
End with a strong conclusion that restates your view.
content
The essay shows a clear view against the idea that gender decides peace.
content
Some good use of real people as examples.
argument
The writer tries to explain why skill and must be used for all people.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • gender dynamics
  • militaristic policies
  • expansionist
  • diplomatic governance
  • risk-taking
  • societal norms
  • inclusive approach
  • collaborative governance
  • gender stereotypes
  • individual qualities
  • comprehensive approach
  • conflict resolution
  • aggression
  • historical context
  • colonial expansion
  • contemporary
  • male dominance
  • innate differences
  • peaceful governance
  • competitive strategies
What to do next:
Look at other essays: