IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many governments spent a lot of money on art. Some people think that this investment in art is necessary, but others say the money is better spent on improving health and education. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#governments #money #art #people #investment #health #education
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Generally,
abundance
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an abundance
the abundance
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 of expenditure is done on
art
Use synonyms
. While it is believed that
this
Linking Words
 spending is fruitful, some argue that it is prudent to invest it
on
Change preposition
in
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 education as well as
health
Add an article
the health
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 sector.
However
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, I believe that it is wise to spend money on the development of the former and the latter, for it will ensure
Correct your spelling
longevity
longetivity
Correct article usage
the longetivity
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 of the
people
Use synonyms
 and will be responsible for the increase in the employment rate. There are a few good reasons to encourage
government
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the government
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 to expend revenue on important areas,
such
Linking Words
 as health and education
instead
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 of
art
Use synonyms
 forms. One of them is that it will improve the well-being of the citizens.
In other words
Linking Words
, they should spend on building hospitals and clinics where
people
Use synonyms
 can get treated either free of cost or at an economical price.
For instance
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,
Correct your spelling
occurrence
occurence
Correct article usage
the occurence
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 of a disaster
such
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 as
tsunami
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a tsunami
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 or floods gives rise to water-borne diseases amongst
people
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, if health centres are pervasive in an area,
then
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 the disaster affected
people
Use synonyms
 can easily get themselves treated there. The other reason is, schools and colleges majorly focus on exam-driven curriculum, even though the number of graduates is increasing significantly, the unemployment rate is rising.
Therefore
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, if the legislature
expend
Change the verb form
expends
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 on improving the quality of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
education
this
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 situation can be averted.
Although
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 it is not so important, some think it is vital to invest
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
art
Use synonyms
 as it depicts the cultural heritage and creativity level of a country.
Moreover
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, it is believed that
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
it is the best way to flaunt the talent of a nation.
For example
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, the more advance the
art
Use synonyms
 field in a region, the more one can compete with other nations.
In addition
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, if more money is spent on establishing painting and dance institutes,
then
Linking Words
 more
people
Use synonyms
 would participate in it.
Consequently
Linking Words
, talent will increase. In conclusion, though
government
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the government
show examples
 can motivate citizens to hone their
creativity
Replace the word
creative
show examples
 skills and represent a country's culture by involving them in arts and crafts,
nevertheless
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 I reckon it is wiser to focus on building medical facilities and educational institutions to protect and educate humans.
Submitted by ieltsspeaking760 on

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