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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The number of old people is increasing. Some think this will cause problems for countries while others believe old people still have value. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

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Ageing is a natural process of life.
While
Linking Words
 some
people
Use synonyms
 believe we should respect older ones and use their valuable experiences, others think they may impose a burden on society. Considering both points of view, I agree entirely with the first opinion, and we should be eternally grateful for having them around us.
To begin
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 with, some
people
Use synonyms
 argue that older adults have vast knowledge and experience which they obtain from all
those
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 years they have lived and worked. It is helpful for the youngster to solve issues that they face in daily life.
In other words
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, elderly
people
Use synonyms
 are great mentors, and they can consider all the consequences of the problems;
therefore
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, younger ones could gain the advantage of their precious advice.
For instance
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, younger managers could help those who retired to reach their goals and maintain the success of organizations.
On the other hand
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, those who disclaim that oldsters bring several problems to countries point out the cost of welfare programs
imposing
Wrong verb form
imposed
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 on society. Since retired individuals
could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
show examples
 work, they use the revenue of pension funds. In the same way, it will push up their costs.
Also
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, the government should take care of senior
citizen's
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens'
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 basic
necessitates
Correct your spelling
necessities
show examples
such
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 as health care.
This
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 definitely places heavy financial pressure on administrations and may decline
economic
Change preposition
in economic
show examples
 growth.
For example
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, in the USA, a healthy couple retiring in 2019 will need close to $390,000 to cover healthcare expenses.
To conclude
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, I agree entirely with the notion that older
people
Use synonyms
 should not be considered as trouble to countries. The pros of the elderly outweigh the cons; surely, Society must use older persons
wide
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
skills and wisdom to encounter the increasing obstacles in the present world.

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task achievement
Your argumentation is clear but could benefit from more depth in analyzing the implications of the views discussed. For example, you could elaborate on how communities can creatively utilize the strengths of older individuals to counterbalance the financial concerns.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a good structure, with clear paragraphs that logically flow. However, consider using more cohesive devices to enhance the connection between ideas. For example, words like 'furthermore' or 'in addition' could strengthen your transitions.
task achievement
Your introduction presents a clear thesis statement, effectively outlining your position on the issue.
coherence and cohesion
You provide well-defined arguments and examples in support of each perspective, demonstrating a good understanding of the task.
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