IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people think young people should be free to choose his or her job, but other people think they should be realistic and think more about their future. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

#people #job #future
Nowadays, a fresh graduate has difficulty in choosing a suitable job market. Some believe that they should have full freedom to choose their occupations
where
Correct word choice
whereas
show examples
 others accept the fact that they should think in a more practical way by considering
career
 prospects. In my opinion, it is vital to
fulfilling
Wrong verb form
fulfil
show examples
 one’s potential in the
career
 fields that are most compatible with their interests. On the one hand, the youth should pick their
career
 in a more realistic way of assessing the
career
 path and the income of that job.
For instance
, a graduate who is good at biology
is
Verb problem
apply
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now
having
Wrong verb form
has
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 two choices which are becoming a biology teacher or an animal researcher. If he thinks in a practical way, he will choose a biology teacher, which can guarantee him a promising
career
 path and a decent salary.
Consequently
, he will not choose a researcher because is it difficult to get a promotion and there is no guarantee about the success of his scrutiny.
Therefore
, it is always necessary to think realistically when people have to earn a living.
On the other hand
, if young people can choose a
career
 of their own free will, they will have more passion and motivation towards their jobs. They will devote more of themselves to the occupation, because it is something they love, assuming they choose a position that fits their own interest.
As a result
,
this
 can allow them to perform well in the workplace as their passion would act as a
driven
Replace the word
driving
show examples
 force to push them
further
, thinking about how to excel in their occupation.
Furthermore
, those performing well in the workplace always have better interpersonal relationships. It is because they have more confidence to communicate with their colleagues, given that they are doing well in the job. In conclusion, I am convinced that pursuing own interest is more important than limiting
career
 choices to highly paid jobs today.
Submitted by Shwe Yamin on

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language
There are a few minor grammatical errors and word choices that could be improved. For example, "is it difficult" should be "it is difficult".
task achievement
The essay could benefit from a stronger, more detailed example in the second body paragraph to further support the point about motivation and passion.
coherence cohesion
Consider incorporating transitional phrases and clearer linking words to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
introduction conclusion present
You have provided a clear introduction and conclusion that frame your argument well.
complete response
The essay presents balanced viewpoints and gives a comprehensive response to the prompt.
logical structure
Your ideas are coherent and logically positioned within the essay, making it easy to follow your line of reasoning.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • career trajectory
  • job satisfaction
  • employment prospects
  • financial stability
  • job security
  • economically viable
  • harnessing potential
  • labor market
  • vocational guidance
  • real-world demands
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