Some people think young people should be free to choose his or her job, but other people think they should be realistic and think more about their future. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

#people #job #future

Nowadays, a fresh graduate has difficulty in choosing a suitable job market. Some believe that they should have full freedom to choose their occupations

where

Correct word choice

whereas

show examples

others accept the fact that they should think in a more practical way by considering

career

prospects. In my opinion, it is vital to

fulfilling

Wrong verb form

fulfil

show examples

one’s potential in the

career

fields that are most compatible with their interests. On the one hand, the youth should pick their

career

in a more realistic way of assessing the

career

path and the income of that job.

For instance

, a graduate who is good at biology

Verb problem

apply

show examples

now

having

Wrong verb form

has

show examples

two choices which are becoming a biology teacher or an animal researcher. If he thinks in a practical way, he will choose a biology teacher, which can guarantee him a promising

career

path and a decent salary.

Consequently

, he will not choose a researcher because is it difficult to get a promotion and there is no guarantee about the success of his scrutiny.

Therefore

, it is always necessary to think realistically when people have to earn a living.

On the other hand

, if young people can choose a

career

of their own free will, they will have more passion and motivation towards their jobs. They will devote more of themselves to the occupation, because it is something they love, assuming they choose a position that fits their own interest.

As a result

this

can allow them to perform well in the workplace as their passion would act as a

driven

Replace the word

driving

show examples

force to push them

further

, thinking about how to excel in their occupation.

Furthermore

, those performing well in the workplace always have better interpersonal relationships. It is because they have more confidence to communicate with their colleagues, given that they are doing well in the job. In conclusion, I am convinced that pursuing own interest is more important than limiting

career

choices to highly paid jobs today.

Submitted by Shwe Yamin on Sat Jul 03 2021

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language

There are a few minor grammatical errors and word choices that could be improved. For example, "is it difficult" should be "it is difficult".

task achievement

The essay could benefit from a stronger, more detailed example in the second body paragraph to further support the point about motivation and passion.

coherence cohesion

Consider incorporating transitional phrases and clearer linking words to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs.

introduction conclusion present

You have provided a clear introduction and conclusion that frame your argument well.

complete response

The essay presents balanced viewpoints and gives a comprehensive response to the prompt.

logical structure

Your ideas are coherent and logically positioned within the essay, making it easy to follow your line of reasoning.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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8Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
1Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

318 words

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 5.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 5.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 7.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Topic Vocabulary:

career trajectory
job satisfaction
employment prospects
financial stability
job security
economically viable
harnessing potential
labor market
vocational guidance
real-world demands

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Some people think young people should be free to choose his or her job, but other people think they should be realistic and think more about their future. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Obesity is an ever-growing pandemic that is affecting more and more of the world’s population. The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems due to being overweight is increasing. What is the reason for the growth of overweight people in society? How can this issue be resolved?

Nowadays, families are not as close as in the past and a lot of people have become used to this. Why is this happening? Do the advantages of this trend outweigh the drawbacks?

Government investment in the arts, such as music and theatre, is a waste of money. Governments must invest this money in public services instead. Do you agree or disagree?

Some people think that the media have to right to publish detail of people’s view, while other thinks it should be controlled. Discuss both views.

In recent years, there has been a rise in the popularity of second-hand clothing amongst the younger generation. Why is this happening? Do you think it’s a positive or negative development?