IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

“School plays a more important role than the family in shaping one’s personality.”

#“school #role #one’s #personality
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Some people argue that
school
Use synonyms
 plays a more dominant role than family concerning one child's
personality
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development
Use synonyms
,
whereas
Linking Words
 others claim the contrary. Whether it is the
school
Use synonyms
 that best promotes one child's self-
development
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, or is it
family
Correct article usage
the family
show examples
 that outdoes
Use synonyms
school
Correct article usage
the school
show examples
 in
this
Linking Words
 contribution?
Firstly
Linking Words
,
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children's
Change noun form
children
show examples
 spending 8 hours per day at
school
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 means greater chances of interacting with peers and teachers.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, social interaction with peers at
school
Use synonyms
 provokes the
development
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 of social skills, namely
such
Linking Words
 skills to co-operate and initiate conversations.
Consequently
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, these skills encompass personal qualities which guide the growth of individual characteristics.
Secondly
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, youngsters are exposed to a wealth of subjects that facilitate their multi-dimensional social understanding.
For instance
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, science subjects support
children
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 intellectually,
while
Linking Words
 social studies sustain their community engagement;
hence
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, their
personality
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development
Use synonyms
 becomes increasingly elaborated and refined over time. Meanwhile, it is argued that
school
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 is not as predominant as a family regarding
children
Use synonyms
's
personality
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development
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. Virtually all
children
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 in normal circumstances develop strong emotional attachments to their caregivers as parents or siblings. As Mahatma Grandi quoted: " There is no
school
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 equal to a decent home, and no teacher equal to a virtuous parent."
Additionally
Linking Words
, the
school
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 study environment is somewhat competitive
overburdened
Correct word choice
and overburdened
show examples
 with examinations, in which
children
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 have to withstand considerable pressure;
therefore
Linking Words
, they have little time for
personality
Use synonyms
development
Use synonyms
. In some cases,
this
Linking Words
 may be detrimental to the
children
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's mentality, foreshadowing later behavioural problems
such
Linking Words
 as externalizing disorders. On balance, both
school
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 and family feature distinctively in shaping one's
personality
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.
While
Linking Words
 I firmly believe that
school
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 can foster
children
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's
personality
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development
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 and their multi-dimensional whole self, a family can sustain
children
Use synonyms
's secure attachment, and
above all
Linking Words
,
guarantees
Correct subject-verb agreement
guarantee
show examples
 them a sense of belonging.
Submitted by HongPhuc on

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positive
The essay provides a good introduction and conclusion that are present and effectively summarize the topic.
improvement
The main points are clearly supported, but ensure that each point is elaborated in more detail to increase depth.
improvement
To strengthen coherence, consider using more linking words and phrases to better connect ideas and paragraphs.
improvement
The ideas presented are clear and relevant to the task, but providing more specific examples or data could further enhance the response.
positive
The essay addresses both perspectives on the topic, offering a balanced view.
positive
The introduction effectively sets the context for the discussion, preparing the reader for the points to follow.
positive
The conclusion nicely encapsulates the arguments made and reiterates the essay's main points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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