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Band 4.5

These days, too many people maintain their health by relying on doctors and medicine, rather than by following a healthy lifestyle. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #health #doctors #medicine #lifestyle
In the modern-day,
People
 are unhealthier than in the past and
technology
 become help their life,
such
 as pharmacy and hospitals is now developing every day and helpful.
Thus
,
people
 don't take care they're healthier than in the past. In
this
 ,
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
essay I firmly agree with
this
 statement and will give some examples.
To begin
, Many
people
 become lack exercise and consuming unhealthy foods like burgers,pizzas,soft drinks and fats.
This
 kind of
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
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 is delicious, by the ,way there are many drawbacks. For ,example
consume
Change the verb form
consumes
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 fast food are increase the
posibility
Correct your spelling
possibility
 of serious
disease
.
As a result
people
 still eat it because it is good for their feeling.
Secondly
, In
Thailand
Add a comma
,Thailand
show examples
 there are a lot of pharmacies and hospitals.
Thus
, you can
accees
Correct your spelling
access
 to them for buying your drug it is very easy. ,
Moreover
 hospital and cost of treatment is less than
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 past. For
instance
Add an article
an instance
the instance
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 when you have a
symtom
Correct your spelling
symptom
 just go to the pharmacy
first
 and
then
pharmacist
Add an article
the pharmacist
show examples
 will diagnose the
disease
 and give you the medicine. As a
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
result
people
 trust the pharmacy and hospital than their take care themself.
Furthermore
, new
technology
 can treat a serious
disease
such
 as cancer, In the past percentage to recover from cancer was very low but now
technology
 shows that we can fight a serious
disease
,
As a
result
Add a comma
,result
show examples
people
 think they can treat by
technology
 easier than take care they healthy. In conclusion, many
people
 in the future will do in the same way as we do now and maybe in ten years
technology
 will be developed than now.
Submitted by iamfrontt on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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