IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Everyone should stay at school until 18. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#school
It is true that some commentators believe that
pupils
 should stay on at
school
 up to they are 18. I totally agree with
this
 point of view, despite some arguments for quitting
school
 in earlier years. There are some reasons why some
pupils
 should quit
school
.
Firstly
,
instead
 of pursuing higher education at university or college, a large number of people only follow vocational courses to enter trades
such
 as plumbers and electricians or professions
such
 as nursing, since there is graduate unemployment in the global economy.
Thus
, these
children
 may fall behind
their
Change preposition
in their
show examples
 studies or even disrupt lessons.
Secondly
, the family background should be considered. In poor families, many
pupils
 must earn money to contribute to the family income.
Moreover
, Not all parents can afford their
children
 to continue their studies until they are 18.
However
, I concur with those who argue that
pupils
 should continue to study at
school
 up to 18. The
first
 reason is that the provision of a wide range of courses would make learning meaningful
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 so that
children
 can put the knowledge gained at
school
 into practice at their workplaces in the future.
In addition
, the job market is becoming more competitive and demands workers with high educational qualifications and skills. Another reason is that
children
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 the shapers of the nations tomorrow,
thus
 they all must have a chance to continue to study at
school
 until they are 18. Because of
this
, national and local authorities should provide funding for poor families to maintain their
children
 at
school
. In conclusion, I believe that It is necessary for
pupils
 to continue
school
 until they are 18.
Submitted by nhatrangthanyeu2013 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Peer pressure
  • Desensitize
  • Aggressive behavior
  • Neglect
  • Abuse
  • Supervision
  • Anti-bullying measures
  • Societal norms
  • Stereotypes
  • Dominance
  • Cyberbullying
  • Anonymity
  • Digital devices
  • Enforcement
  • Cultural tolerance
What to do next:
Look at other essays: