IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people think personal happiness is directly related to economic success, while others believe this depends on other factors. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

#people #happiness #success #factors
Many are of the belief that
happiness
 is
result
Add an article
the result
a result
show examples
 of financial success, while others claim that are more crucial elements involved in
this
 achievement. In
this
 essay, I am going to discuss both points of view, and
then
 explain why I presume that a certain degree of economic stability is an ordinary requirement for
happiness
 but is less important than
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
excellent health and significant relationship. Those who have the perspective that
high
Correct article usage
a high
show examples
 salary can provide
happiness
 claim that it affords
comfortable
Correct article usage
a comfortable
show examples
 and enjoyable lifestyle. The main reason is a person with considerable earning is able to purchase a marvellous house or a luxurious vehicle,
besides
 to experience memorable moments.
According
Add the preposition
toAccording
show examples
 them, affluent entrepreneurs and employers living without concerns about the future because they can pay for any service or product,
hence
 their lives are filled
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 joy.
On the other hand
,
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of people argue that real
happiness
 is just a consequence of quality time with family or
friend
Fix the agreement mistake
friends
show examples
 and appropriate health. For them, a home filled with luxuries is excellent but the most sustained sense of enjoyment is only achieved by frequent socialization
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because they recognize that their happiest moments were spent in the presence of loved ones.
Moreover
, individuals who suffer from severe diseases feel intense pain and spend a lot of money
additionally
 time with medical treatments,
therefore
, they are unable to experience a pleasant life. In conclusion, I believe both perspectives have their merits.
However
, on balance, I think economic success is merely one of the pillars to achieve the
desired-
Correct your spelling
desired happiness
show examples
happiness
. As far as I am concerned, without health conditions and meaningful interpersonal bonds wealthy human
being
Fix the agreement mistake
beings
show examples
 never experience
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
full
happiness
.
Submitted by debi_quistina on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: