IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some people think that government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #government #rise #obesity #children
Currently, it is
ofen
Correct your spelling
often
 considered that the
governement
Correct your spelling
government
 has a
resposibility
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 for the fact that
children
 suffer from obesity. I completely agree with
this
 statement and I will explain my opinion in more detail in
this
 essay. One of the
reason
Change to a plural noun
reasons
show examples
 why the state plays an important role in solving the overweight problem among youth is that it can provide material support to improve
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 industries.
In other words
, the government can build many different facilities related to the sport,
such
 as a fitness
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
, swimming pools and many others, which in turn may have a positive effect on adolescents' healthy lives.
For example
, in my country, when
policitics
Correct your spelling
politics
 took measures and built a
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
 where people had an opportunity to follow the healthy
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
, it encourage parents and their
children
 to fight
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
obesity.
In addition
, the
governement
Correct your spelling
government
 has a significant impact on social media in some countries.
Therefore
, in order to help
children
 with their weight
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
, the state may provide information about health exercises, a balanced diet and many other useful things with the Internet, television and other media.
Moreover
, the advertising of fitness
cources
Correct your spelling
courses
 and other services can contribute
a
Change preposition
to a
show examples
rise
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 motivation among
children
 to go
in for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 sport.
For instance
, my brother was overweight and did not want to do something with that.
However
, after he watched a video on TV where a new fitness
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
 in our city suggested
to join to
Change the verb form
joining
show examples
 the new course, he liked
this
 idea and began to go there.
As a result
, he managed to lose
his
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
weight and became stronger and healthier. In conclusion, the fact that
children
 have obesity is quite common today.
Thus
, I think that governments should take some steps to
migitate
Correct your spelling
mitigate
meditate
migrate
this
 issue.
Submitted by mar16.f on

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Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • policies
  • responsibility
  • health and well-being
  • education and awareness programs
  • childhood obesity
  • food advertising and labeling
  • unhealthy food
  • supportive environments
  • recreational facilities
  • collaboration
  • healthcare providers
What to do next:
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