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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think that young children should learn how to play a musical instrument at school. Others believe that other subjects, such as mathematics and science, should be prioritised because they will be more useful for children when they grow older. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Some would argue that musical
instruments
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 should be taught at
children
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’s schools,
while
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 others think that there are more important
subjects
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 young
children
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 should be learning about because these
subjects
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 will be useful in their future
lives
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.
Although
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 learning a musical
instrument
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 can improve creativity for kids, I would argue that
subjects
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such
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 as physics, technology, history…etc, will be beneficial for their academic
lives
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. On the one hand, learning musical
instruments
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 at
children
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’s schools can boost creativity in a child’s personality. Musical
instruments
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 teach
children
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 how to express their emotions and feelings in a creative way.
Additionally
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, learning how to play an
instrument
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 requires practice and effort which can be very good to learn these skills at an early age.
For instance
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, a piano is a complex
instrument
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 and needs time and effort to learn how to use keys which helps
children
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 gain qualities like (patience, resilience and consistency) unconsciously. From my point of view,
although
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 musical
instruments
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 are crucial to building creative thinking and some personal qualities, there are many essential
subjects
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children
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 must learn at school in order to help them in their future
lives
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.
Hence
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,
children
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 can learn a musical
instrument
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 outside school and take it as a habit to improve their personal qualities.
On the other hand
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, many
subjects
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 are more valuable to learn than music which prepares
children
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 for their academic
lives
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. When young
children
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 are taught technology, science, and history they are more likely to use
this
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 knowledge in their
further
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 education and give them a strong background about some essential information which assists them to develop their academic skills.
For example
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, technology is a critical skill and when
children
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 learn how to do research and use PowerPoint for class presentations from an early age that will be useful to get good marks and academic records. From my perspective,
children
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’s schools should focus on useful
subjects
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 that give
children
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 good information about their studies in the future. In conclusion, there are no deniable musical
instruments
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 good for
children
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 to improve creativity and personal trials, I believe that other
subjects
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 are more important because they prepare and help
children
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 in their
further
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 education.

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task achievement
The essay presents clear arguments on both sides of the discussion topic and provides a personal viewpoint, achieving a complete response to the task. However, you could strengthen your argument structure by providing more balanced examples or case studies for both viewpoints.
task achievement
Ensure clarity and comprehension by rephrasing complex sentences and using clear linking phrases where necessary. You can enhance comprehension by adding transitions to strengthen the flow between points.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a logical and coherent structure, with well-organized paragraphs and a clear progression of ideas. Still, you might want to ensure that each paragraph's main idea is clearly stated at the beginning and consistently developed throughout the paragraph.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction effectively outlines both perspectives and states the writer's position clearly.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points while reiterating the writer's stance, providing closure to the argument.
supported main points
The essay contains supported main points, with relevant examples provided to illustrate key arguments, such as the benefits of learning technology for academic skills.
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