IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #government #rise #obesity #children
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Obesity is becoming
serious
Correct article usage
a serious
show examples
 public
health
Use synonyms
 problem all over the world. It is argued that authority is responsible for the rise in
over weight
Correct your spelling
overweight
show examples
 problem to the
children
Use synonyms
. I agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement that
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 is promoting more genetically modified
food
Use synonyms
 and fast
food
Use synonyms
 culture to the people to take tax from these kinds of
food
Use synonyms
 suppliers. Even though parents need to
aware
Add a missing verb
be aware
show examples
 more about their
children
Use synonyms
health
Use synonyms
 and need to more
concern
Replace the word
concerned
show examples
 about
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
 lifestyle. But the
government
Use synonyms
 is more
responsible
Replace the word
responsive
show examples
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 policy to promote
Use synonyms
health
Correct article usage
the health
show examples
 and well beings of
children
Use synonyms
.
First
Linking Words
 of all,
Government
Use synonyms
 is allowing
fast
Add a hyphen
fast-food
show examples
food
Use synonyms
 chain restaurants to maintain their store all over the cities.
This
Linking Words
 is the reason people are taking their
children
Use synonyms
 to these kinds of
restaurant
Fix the agreement mistake
restaurants
show examples
, which is
the
Change the article
apply
show examples
one of the main
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 are gaining excessive weight.
For example
Linking Words
, parents in Kathmandu felt happy when they took their
children
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
fast-
Correct article usage
a fast-food
show examples
food
Use synonyms
 chin restaurant for
Correct your spelling
dining
show examples
dinning
Correct your spelling
dining
show examples
 out.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 do not have
Correct article usage
a playing
show examples
playing
Change the verb form
to play
show examples
 ground in cities.
This
Linking Words
 is because
Use synonyms
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 does not
planned
Change the verb form
plan
show examples
Use synonyms
children friendly
Add a hyphen
children-friendly
show examples
 cities. Due to
that
Add a comma
,that
show examples
 they are unable to get
chance
Correct article usage
a chance
show examples
 to exercise their body.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
Number
Correct article usage
a Number
show examples
 of schools is providing unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 in
school
Use synonyms
. It is the responsibility of
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 to promote healthy
food
Use synonyms
 in
Use synonyms
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
. Authority can impose
Add an article
a rule
show examples
rule
Fix the agreement mistake
rules
show examples
 to allowed only organic
food
Use synonyms
 in
Use synonyms
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
, which can help to reduce
number
Change the article
the number
show examples
 of obese
children
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, Ireland
government
Use synonyms
 recently announced a policy that allowed only organic
food
Use synonyms
 in
school
Use synonyms
 and
result
Correct article usage
the result
show examples
 shows
children
Use synonyms
 are healthier than past.
Additionally
Linking Words
, authority is not monitoring
food
Use synonyms
 companies whether these
food
Use synonyms
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 healthy or not for the
children
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, People need to
aware
Add a missing verb
be aware
show examples
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their
health
Use synonyms
 and
wellbeing’s
Change the noun form
wellbeings
wellbeing
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should impose proper rules and
regulation
Fix the agreement mistake
regulations
show examples
 for the healthy lifestyle of the
children
Use synonyms
 and can promote healthy
food
Use synonyms
. I believe
government
Use synonyms
 can do more than individual to reduce
number
Change the article
the number
show examples
 of obese
children
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by Leena Kapoor on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • policies
  • responsibility
  • health and well-being
  • education and awareness programs
  • childhood obesity
  • food advertising and labeling
  • unhealthy food
  • supportive environments
  • recreational facilities
  • collaboration
  • healthcare providers
What to do next:
Look at other essays: