IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The government should control the amount of violence in films and on television in order to decrease the level of violent crime in the society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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The amount of violence is becoming increasingly popular in every society. To decline the number the criminal activities, the government must be responsible and limited the scene in film and T.V. I completely agree that communities should be aware of the
violence
Replace the word
violent
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 influence. In the following paragraphs, I will discuss the connection between media and crime's rate.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, the number of bloody movies is increasing gradually.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 consider actors and actresses as
a
Correct article usage
apply
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role
model
Fix the agreement mistake
models
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, they imitate their performance, actions and lifestyle.
For example
Linking Words
, Game of Throne a movie base on killing and stealing. It is overrated, a lot of
people
Use synonyms
 from different countries and various group ages. If young or adult
people
Use synonyms
 keep watching it, they think it is normal.
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
,Also
show examples
 some movies
such
Linking Words
 as
Roben
Correct your spelling
Robin
 Hood, the main character used to steal from rich
people
Use synonyms
 and gave it to poor
people
Use synonyms
, or stole a ladder from tall men
then
Linking Words
 gave
to
Correct pronoun usage
it to
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 short women.
Thus
Linking Words
,
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
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 will consider Roben as
hero
Add an article
a hero
the hero
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 and they will try to be
as
Change preposition
like
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 him.
As a result
Linking Words
, the rate of criminals will increase and society will get hurt.
In addition
Linking Words
, a lot of films show that education and morality
not
Add a missing verb
are not
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 essential and illustrate a bad person as a protagonist. If you want something, you will take it by force.
For instance
Linking Words
, a movie
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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called a Green House, compared
between
Change preposition
apply
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a person that complete his studies
in contrast
Linking Words
 with the one who broke the law. To sum up, films and T.V have
a harmful effects
Correct the article-noun agreement
harmful effects
a harmful effect
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in
Change preposition
on
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society, they rose the number of violence, so
Add an article
the
show examples
government have to keep an eye on these works.

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