IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that the government should give financial support to artists such as musicians, painters and poets. Others think that it is a waste of money. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #government #support #artists #musicians #painters #poets #waste #money
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There is an argumentative notion heating the debate over the government coffers.
While
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 some
people
Use synonyms
 claim that it should be allocated to
artists
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as musicians, painters and poets, others believe it is a waste of money. Whilst
this
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 thinking is valid to some extent, I personally contend that there are far more problems that need to be prioritised. It is undeniable to note that it is necessary to fund the
artists
Use synonyms
 for an eclectic mix of reasonable underlying roots. Obviously, they devoted their talent to creating magnificent products
such
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 as paintings or music, which is a major tool for
people
Use synonyms
 whenever they need to seek tranquillity after a
hard-working
Correct your spelling
hard working
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 day.
However
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, they do not receive enough recognition from the Government since it
was
Wrong verb form
is
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 considered a hobby, not a full-time job.
This
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 thinking has become obsolete in modern society as the works of
artists
Use synonyms
 are becoming more and more important in
people
Use synonyms
's daily
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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. Admittedly, not only music has become a means of entertainment but it
also
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 contributes to society by spreading social messages through catchy songs.
Therefore
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,
artists
Use synonyms
 deserve the expenditure from the rulers as their work has a great influence on every
walks
Change to a singular noun
walk
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 of life.
While
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 the redeeming features of the aforementioned notion are widely acknowledged, it is
also
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 essential to spend expenditure
for
Change preposition
on
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 other significant aspects which require more priority. In the current stage of time, there are many urgent issues that need to be invested
such
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 as education and healthcare. It is irrefutable that those aspects play a paramount
significant
Correct word choice
apply
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role in
people
Use synonyms
's daily
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. Covid-19 can be cited as an essential example since it has become the most
unease
Replace the word
uneasy
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 problem nowadays for not only causing a high death rate all over the world but
also
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 bringing down the economic sectors of many countries.
Hence
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, the rulers bear the responsibility to invest a part of the source for advanced scientific technologies to find an effective vaccine,
preparing
Wrong verb form
prepare
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 medical equipment for patients or
using
Wrong verb form
use
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 media to warn
people
Use synonyms
 about epidemic prevention. In conclusion, I am well convinced that
while
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 the
artists
Use synonyms
 need more subsidies from authorities, the rulers’ coffers should be focused on other crucial tasks as well.
Submitted by thuhuong3031999 on

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Content
While the essay effectively discusses both perspectives, try to elaborate further on specific examples to support your arguments. Providing real-life examples or data can strengthen your position and make your arguments more convincing.
Coherence & Cohesion
Although your ideas are organized logically, consider using more transitional phrases to enhance the flow between paragraphs and points. This can improve the overall coherence of your essay.
Introduction
The introduction clearly presents the topic and your position, which sets a strong foundation for the essay.
Logical Structure
The essay is well-structured with clear paragraphs for each argument, making it easy to follow the discussion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Government funding
  • Cultural preservation
  • Economic development
  • Financial stability
  • Nurture talent
  • Innovation
  • Diverts resources
  • Critical services
  • Art market
  • Personal merit
  • Mediocrity
  • Dependency
  • Patrons
  • Sponsorship
  • Private funding
What to do next:
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