IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people say that what children watch influences their behaviours. Others believe the amount of time they spend on television influences their behaviours the most. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #children #influences #behaviours #amount #time #television
In recent years the more entertainment programmes on
televisions
Fix the agreement mistake
television
show examples
 have aired, the more parents concern about the possible negative effects.
However
Add a comma
,However
show examples
 whether the amount of
time
 spent or the content of them has the most impact has been argued. In
this
 essay, I'll cover both views and conclude why I opine with the latter.
One
Correct your spelling
On
show examples
 the one hand, what
children
 are exposed to is of the utmost importance. Since
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 younglings learn via observation of
otheres
Correct your spelling
others
, it is rather intuitive that the content of these programmes could either affect positively or negatively. Due to the fact that there are lots of inappropriate shows as well as
plethora
Add an article
a plethora
show examples
 of educational ones, as parents, it is crucial to supervise the
time
 spent on television.
On the other hand
, many argue that the
time
 spent watching TV
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 is way more important.
As a result
 of being
Add an article
an attraction
the attraction
show examples
attraction
Replace the word
attracted
show examples
, most
children
 are pinned behind TVs. Whether they are watching their favourite cartoon or
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Planet Earth from the
Hisroty
Correct your spelling
History
 Channel, the more
time
 they spend, the less they would have physical activities.
Consequently
, they would be more exposed to illnesses in regards to lack of physical development.
Moreover
, as a survey suggests, a large number of USA kids suffer from obesity due to inactivity. To summarize, what
children
 watch on television could highly be impactful while the amount of
time
 spent is
also
 important. I, personally, believe that the negative outcome of the latter does not outweigh the advantages of the
first
 one
therefore
Add the comma(s)
,therefore
show examples
, we should concentrate on what our
children
 are exposed to.
Submitted by armin.oveisi on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: