IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Television dominates the free-time of too many people. It can make people lazy and prevent them from socialising with others. Do you agree or disagree?

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A considerable proportion of citizens
consumes
Verb problem
spend
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 most of
the
Change the word
their
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 leisure period on telecasts which
deprive
Correct subject-verb agreement
deprives
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 them of an active and conversational lifestyle. I strongly
coincide
Verb problem
agree
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 with the former declaration, and
this
Linking Words
 essay will hold the reasons for my view. To commence, the idea of a sedentary life enhanced by television has numerous negative repercussions on the physical aspect of an individual.
In other words
Linking Words
, people are normally addicted to certain habits
where
Correct word choice
that
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 allow them to sit for long hours without moving a single finger.
Moreover
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, they may encounter severe health problems
due to
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 uncautious consumption hours
for
Change preposition
of
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 television. As reported in the Stay Fit magazine, the majority of obesity cases
are originated
Wrong verb form
originate
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 from visual advertisements that incentivise consumers to eat frequently.
Thus
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, there are various detrimental effects for seated life systems in front of a screen. Another compelling reason to support my view is that digital channels embrace the notion of public separation.
This
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 means that each person creates a personal space that abandons relationships and social interactions with familiar surroundings.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, some media programs publish specific materials related to violence in order to
favorise
Verb problem
favour
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 human isolation toward others. To demonstrate, my family possesses three televisions because every member generally prefers to see his private show
instead
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 of exercising
group
Change preposition
in group
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 activities.
Hence
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, television divides expansive communities into tiny units. To summarize, a convenient number of people
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 replacing physical activities and moral relationships with a flat electronic machine. I totally agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement because they are digitally seduced by individual immobility and social discrimination.

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task achievement
You have provided a complete response to the task and clearly stated your viewpoint. However, try to elaborate more on your reasons with varied examples which can make your arguments stronger.
task achievement
Ensure examples are directly tied to specific aspects of your argument and further illustrate your points. Consider adding more precise and varied examples.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay generally has good organization but work on logically structuring the ideas for each paragraph cohesively. Use transition words to show logical progression.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively set the direction and summarize the essay.
coherence and cohesion
There is a clear logical progression of ideas. Each paragraph aligns with your overall argument.
task achievement
You have successfully addressed all parts of the task and substantiated your positions.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Cognitive laziness
  • Social interaction
  • Isolation
  • Face-to-face
  • Mentally stimulating
  • Catalyst for social gatherings
  • Educational content
  • Intellectual growth
  • Physical laziness
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