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Band 4.5

People sleep less than they used to in the past. What do you think is the reason behind this? What are the effects on them?

#people #reason #effects
Some
people
 say that they have no more
time
 to sleep than they did in the past which there is the
reason
 behind and brings many things after that. I think sleeping
not
Add the comma(s)
,not
show examples
 enough tends to
various
Add a missing verb
have various
show examples
 disadvantages. In the state-of-the-art society, adults have many necessary things to do,
such
 as their career, study, and lives, particularly
people
spend
Correct pronoun usage
who spend
show examples
time
 too much
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their work.
For example
, an average working
time
 of an adult is about eight to ten hours per day, but nowadays everyone usually
consume
Change the verb form
consumes
show examples
time
 more than that. After working-hour, they have to add plenty of hours to finish their jobs at home which is the
reason
 why they sleep less than
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 past.
Therefore
, not-well sleeping is the effect to some problems of their health. As the result, working pressure is the typical
reason
 for being
stress
Wrong verb form
stressed
show examples
 and badly effective to health. In detail, the
time
 for working too much affects
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
human
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
 and
this
 is the
reason
 why
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 quantities of stressed patients are large, and
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 rate of unemployment is high. Generally, disadvantages of working
time
 too much are many and not good for
people
 for a long
time
. In conclusion, less sleeping which tends to
a
Add a missing verb
be a
show examples
variety of bad things for modern
people
 is the
reason
 why
people
 should spend more
time
to sleep
Change the verb form
sleeping
show examples
 well.
Moreover
, good sleeping
time
 can bring many benefits
such
 as having positive
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 and working effectively more than when they sleep less.
Submitted by letan92bd on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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