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Writing Samples
Band 6

Boxing is a bloody sport that often results in physical injuries. It is inappropriate for this sport to exist in the modern age. Do you agree or disagree?

Boxing is a sport where two
people
Use synonyms
 punch each other to earn points, and the person with the highest points emerges as the winner. It is a bloody game that often leaves the competitors with noticeable bruises. Many believe it is detrimental for boxing to exist in the modern world. In my opinion, I strongly disagree with the proponents that
sports
Use synonyms
 should be eradicated because,
asides
Replace the word
aside
show examples
 from the fact that the players should be left to indulge in their passion, it is an honest profession through which wealth and fame are attained and must be left to go on in
this
Linking Words
 new era. The existence of boxing should not be brought to an end, seeing that everyone has a right to be involved in what he or she loves.
Besides
Linking Words
, these folks are not cajoled into boxing. They willingly chose it as a sport to play. Meanwhile, if one is forced to abandon their passion, it will result in rebellion.
For instance
Linking Words
, a recent study proves that
people
Use synonyms
 who are forcefully
put out
Verb problem
removed
show examples
 from hobbies tend to protest, which often leads to violence and death.
Hence
Linking Words
, it is wise to leave boxing for those who love it.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
sports
Use synonyms
 and boxing need not be stopped because it is an honest professions. Numerous
people
Use synonyms
 make a living by participating in it. In fact, it has enriched lots of
people
Use synonyms
 who are faithful competitors and
makes
Wrong verb form
made
show examples
 them well-known.
For example
Linking Words
, the famous Mike Tyson made his first millions as a boxer who started
sports
Use synonyms
 at a young age and did not relent.
This
Linking Words
 goes a long way to prove that boxing rewards the participants greatly and should not be cut off from
this
Linking Words
 new age. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
sports
Use synonyms
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 a bloody one that causes apparent injuries, I opine that it should be in continual existence since many
people
Use synonyms
 are passionate about it and wholeheartedly accept the outcome of the sport. It is
also
Linking Words
 an excellent way to make an excellent living.

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coherence and cohesion
Try to provide clearer topic sentences for each paragraph to guide the reader.
task achievement
Include more examples to support your points throughout the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure your ideas flow well from one to the next to improve clarity.
task achievement
You clearly stated your opinion in the introduction, which is a strong start.
task achievement
Your examples, like Mike Tyson, were relevant and added value to your argument.
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