The government should control the amount of violence in films and on television in order to decrease the violent crimes in society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

No community in the world is ideal but when there is a high rate of literacy, low offences ratio and rule of law the society is
then
considered near to perfection; Civilised nations have
such
traits. The extent of savagery in movies and on TV should be limited by authorities aiming to reduce the brutality felony which is being
happened
Wrong verb form
happening
show examples
in the human habitat. I fully support
such
kinds of preventive steps and in
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
I will discuss all
this
along with
examples. To commence with, The very early reason is impressed by famous celebrities. Since in the
movies
Add a comma
movies,
show examples
most of the roles
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
being played by well-known stars who have millions of users ,particularly teenagers.
Furthermore
,
Such
groups of masses are immature to differentiate between the real and imaginary stuff;
Thus
leading them to adopt all
such
roles in real life. To cite an example.
According to
the crime monitoring force in
khyberpakhtoon
Change the capitalization
Khyberpakhtoon
show examples
, 20% of youth in
central
Correct article usage
the central
show examples
jail of Peshawar who
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
facing various charges of offences
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
impressed to some extent by feature films.
Secondly
, The other reason is putting wrong ideas in people's minds.
Moreover
, showing the negative roles
as
Change preposition
of
show examples
a hero in moving pictures and the offender who plays a destructive part in a serial
is showing
Wrong verb form
shows
show examples
more power and above the law, which
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
youngsters
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
more impressed.
Furthermore
, In ,pictures they are
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
shown as a winner rather than guilty. To illustrate,
Reference
Change preposition
in Reference
show examples
to the drug control firm report, In Nowshehra, 10% of drug traffickers in the rural areas are influenced by movies that
involved
Wrong verb form
involve
show examples
underworld narcotics smuggling.
To conclude
, Governments should control
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
crime growth by telecasting fewer volumes of transgression stories.
This
is
due to
the public especially
Correct pronoun usage
those under-16
show examples
under-16
Correct your spelling
under 16
can easily
move
Wrong verb form
be moved
show examples
by popular actors and place negative thoughts in an individual's brain. Given
this
situation, It seems that the film industry should show all
this
as a deterrent rather than a booster to prevent violence in society.
Submitted by engrizazsaeed on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The essay provides relevant arguments and examples to support the opinion. However, there are some gaps in the logical structure and the introduction and conclusion could be more developed.
coherence
The essay lacks a clear organizational structure. Transition words and phrases could be used more effectively to improve coherence and cohesion.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: