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Band 7.5

More and more parents are allowing their children to play on computers and tablets as they think that children should learn technology skills. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages.

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In today's world, the number of moms and dads who allow their own youngsters to be involved with smart portable technology is rising day by day as they claim it is good for them to pick up on new skills.
This
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 essay does not think the same and I believe it is not worth it for the youth to suffer from the bad effects that the early use of computers and tablets brings. On the one hand, there are indeed a few advantages that playing on smart devices has to offer.
First
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 and foremost, it helps offspring to get more familiar with them sooner than anyone else so they will not have a hard time figuring it out in the future.
Secondly
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, they will have an advantage in the job finding quest as they learned technology skills at an early age,
thus
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, their minds are capable of thinking logically,
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 would not happen if youngsters did not get in touch with laptops or smartphones soon enough.
For instance
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, I have already mastered every single device that was invented in
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 world because my parents let me use those a lot in my childhood.
This
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 really affected my mind as I am more creative than all of my childhood friends, who did not have a chance to be involved with smart devices early like me.
On the other hand
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, there is no doubt that getting familiar with computers and tablets at young ages has numerous drawbacks on
heir's
Change noun form
heir

It seems that this noun form may be incorrect.

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 development.
This
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 could lead to addiction, the one that affects the youth's health, especially when they are in their growing stages. Take sitting too long playing video games
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

for
Add the comma(s)
,for

It appears that you are missing a comma or two with the interrupter for example. Consider adding the comma(s).

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 example,
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 results in diabetes
,
Remove the comma
apply

It appears that you have an unnecessary comma in a compound object. Consider removing it.

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 and nearsightedness.
Moreover
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, they would become lazier, more disconnected from the real world as they slowly avoid socializing with other people, even with their own moms or dads.
Finally
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, there is abundant fake news, toxic ideas that they might run across online. There are more and more reports about scion picking up bad trends on the Internet and ending up hurting themself. To conclude, the merits of letting young ones use smartphones and computers are not worth having as the drawbacks that it might bring is way too serious for children's development.

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